Brief history:
I want to know what I have. I have different diagnoses from different doctors. Since I had my daughter, I have had intermittent periods of severe depression. The depression persists for months and goes away. I have attempted suicide more times than I can count since 17. I've stabbed, OD'd, tried to crash my car,etc. I've been in coma twice and had 5/6 surgeries to remove stuff I've stabbed inside. I can't really explain why, sometimes it was suicidal sometimes it wasn't. I do have some traumatic things but I feel like everyone does.

Diagnoses:
There have been some diagnoses but I don't want the reader of this to be prejudiced based on that.
Even though some docs have said borderline, I've also had periods of stable times and relationships. I have made impulsive decisions and spent a ton but there's no real pattern as far as I can see. Also bipolar, I don't think I've ever been 'manic' but I don't know if one can tell. Another doc said PTSD but I have been through a ton of crap so there's a lot of events that could be a 'trigger'.

Personality wise:
I'm kind of a loner and it's really hard to tell people how I really feel until I've done something destructive or I'm really close to it.
I get very awkward around people I care about. I'm very submissive, fiercely loyal, and try to keep to myself. I've run away sometimes but I feel like (with the exception of incidents/hospitalizations) I haven't done that in 4 years.

Anyway:
I also lost custody recently because of all this. It feels like crap to know your mental health caused you to lose custody, I lost because of the multiple 5150's/hospitalizations. I have been able to keep out of the hospital since last July but only barely. I feel like nothing is worth it anymore even though I've been totally normal, active and doing my regular activities although it does feel like 'the motions', inside I have a ton of mood swings each day since I have lost custody: I am going through rage,sadness/crying,panic,paranoia,totally fine and back again.

I'm desperate to know what's wrong finally. I don't want to feel like this anymore.