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Feeling Stressed And Depressed. How Should I Manage This?
Question: I feed stressed and depressed manytimes after learning from family some bad news. this happens a lot. how should i manage this?
Hello XXXXXXX
Thank you for choosing XXXXXXX for seeking help regarding your situation. We hope our discussion here helps you.
The feelings of stress and depression are the "Emotional Consequences" of the various thoughts that a person has in his mind. And these thoughts are usually triggered by certain events in his life. Let us try to see your situation from this point of view.
The triggers in your situation are the bad news from family. And these news trigger a series of thoughts in your mind, which ultimately lead to the emotional consequences of stress and depression.
This gives us a strong hint that the triggers themselves are not directly responsible for your stress and depression. But it is the various thoughts in your mind that are causing the depression and stress. And thus, you may need to focus on those thoughts, and perhaps modify them so that you can avoid the emotional disturbances.
A good way of doing this is discussing any recent event. Can you describe any recent example where you felt stressed and depressed after hearing a certain news from the family? And can you try to recall what different thoughts came to your mind "about" the bad news?
We need to check if the thoughts about the triggering event are just inferences, wrong interpretations, self-defeating, anxiety creating, etc. And whether these thoughts are associated with XXXXXXX rooted beliefs which are not helping you at the present.
Please write back to me with more details of any such recent example and we can carry our analysis of the situation forward.
Take care.
Dr Abhijeet Deshmukh
Thank you for choosing XXXXXXX for seeking help regarding your situation. We hope our discussion here helps you.
The feelings of stress and depression are the "Emotional Consequences" of the various thoughts that a person has in his mind. And these thoughts are usually triggered by certain events in his life. Let us try to see your situation from this point of view.
The triggers in your situation are the bad news from family. And these news trigger a series of thoughts in your mind, which ultimately lead to the emotional consequences of stress and depression.
This gives us a strong hint that the triggers themselves are not directly responsible for your stress and depression. But it is the various thoughts in your mind that are causing the depression and stress. And thus, you may need to focus on those thoughts, and perhaps modify them so that you can avoid the emotional disturbances.
A good way of doing this is discussing any recent event. Can you describe any recent example where you felt stressed and depressed after hearing a certain news from the family? And can you try to recall what different thoughts came to your mind "about" the bad news?
We need to check if the thoughts about the triggering event are just inferences, wrong interpretations, self-defeating, anxiety creating, etc. And whether these thoughts are associated with XXXXXXX rooted beliefs which are not helping you at the present.
Please write back to me with more details of any such recent example and we can carry our analysis of the situation forward.
Take care.
Dr Abhijeet Deshmukh
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Thanks for the reply. I am mentioning some of the events here.
1. My brother's wife keeps fighting at home with my parents ( fighting in the sense not respecting them, sometimes insulting also ). I am living away from home. So whenever I hear something that she had cried or threatened to do something wrong, i feel really worried about my family. All my life I studied hard to make my family's life good but now as things are supposed to go good as I have started earning, but this thing at home makes me feel I have not done anything.
2. Sometimes loss in business at home make me worry but now slowly i am able to handle myself in this situation by neglecting it or just assuming everything will go good after sometime.
3. Also having a girl problem. Sometimes I assume her love, crush or attraction and dont know about her feelings about me. So she is going to be married soon, It makes me feel like a looser that I cant have her. This girl thing is going for around 2 year and had made worst impact on me. I was able to handle all above 2 problems very well until I came in contact with this girl after a long time, 2 years back ( we studied together till 10th ). Sometimes she behaves like i am all she has, sometimes I dont matter to her at all. Please tell me how to handle this. I mean, I have considered many times not talking to her ( and this has helped in my happiness, no stress at all, peaceful life ) but after not talking to her sometime, when she pings me and I think ok let us just talk formally not by heart but slowly again I feel attached to her and I feel I should not stop talking to her till her marriage. But during our talk, I have constant feeling of losing her as I dont know clear feelings of her. So should I just stop talking, thinking about her? or I need to work out something else? And I cant ask my family to discuss our marriage ( because whenever she talks like I am going to be married soon, I feel depressed ) as 1st of all I dont know girl's feelings. 2nd her family is richer but there is no caste problem.
Some suggestions on all these matters will really help as I feel lonely because of all such events. Gimme some tips for not feeling so lonely.
1. My brother's wife keeps fighting at home with my parents ( fighting in the sense not respecting them, sometimes insulting also ). I am living away from home. So whenever I hear something that she had cried or threatened to do something wrong, i feel really worried about my family. All my life I studied hard to make my family's life good but now as things are supposed to go good as I have started earning, but this thing at home makes me feel I have not done anything.
2. Sometimes loss in business at home make me worry but now slowly i am able to handle myself in this situation by neglecting it or just assuming everything will go good after sometime.
3. Also having a girl problem. Sometimes I assume her love, crush or attraction and dont know about her feelings about me. So she is going to be married soon, It makes me feel like a looser that I cant have her. This girl thing is going for around 2 year and had made worst impact on me. I was able to handle all above 2 problems very well until I came in contact with this girl after a long time, 2 years back ( we studied together till 10th ). Sometimes she behaves like i am all she has, sometimes I dont matter to her at all. Please tell me how to handle this. I mean, I have considered many times not talking to her ( and this has helped in my happiness, no stress at all, peaceful life ) but after not talking to her sometime, when she pings me and I think ok let us just talk formally not by heart but slowly again I feel attached to her and I feel I should not stop talking to her till her marriage. But during our talk, I have constant feeling of losing her as I dont know clear feelings of her. So should I just stop talking, thinking about her? or I need to work out something else? And I cant ask my family to discuss our marriage ( because whenever she talks like I am going to be married soon, I feel depressed ) as 1st of all I dont know girl's feelings. 2nd her family is richer but there is no caste problem.
Some suggestions on all these matters will really help as I feel lonely because of all such events. Gimme some tips for not feeling so lonely.
Dear XXXXXXX
Let us find out what might be creating the stress and the negative emotions, in each of these examples.
1) You have always wanted to grow up and do something good in life, so that you can help your family. And you have always wanted to improve the quality of life for your family. This thought can stem from XXXXXXX seated beliefs that 'there must never be any trouble for family'. And this current situation with your brother's wife's behavior is in direct conflict with that XXXXXXX belief. This conflict is what is creating the stress in you.
Tips: Try to modify the belief slightly. In stead of thinking "I have not done anything for my family", you can start telling yourself "I will always work towards betterment of my family, but there will be challenges". One person's behavior CANNOT negate every effort YOU have taken for your family so far. And as long as you are continuing the efforts for a better life for family, you cannot fail.
Things are indeed going on well as you have completed your education successfully and are into a job now. Just keep your focus straight on your goal. If you do not have a clearly defined goal, give yourself some weekend, and decide upon some short term and long term goals for yourself and your family. And then continue to work towards achieving them at any cost. You will find that if you have a set goal, distractions are not much of a problem.
Another way of a rational thinking you can adopt is "this current problem with my brother's wife's behavior will not necessarily last for a long time. And I should not assume that this problem is completely going to ruin the family's happiness XXXXXXX
2) About the losses in business at home - You are already aware of the fact that loss and profit are integral parts of any business. But as long as the business is runing, there is always hope for a better outcome. Check whether you need to worry 'too much' about it when some news comes. You have mentioned that this thing may not be bothering you now. That is a good thing. Just as you are assuming that everything will go well after some time, also prevent yourself from assuming that 'this is very bad'.
3) About your friend - There are a couple of important things I would like to mention about this situation.
a) It seems you would like to go ahead with a relationship with her, "if" she is also attracted to you and agrees your proposal. In such a case, avoiding any contact with her is not going to help you regain your peace of mind. You will keep on getting thought about her. Especially when you are not sure what the situation on her side is even in future. (married/single/committed).
b) You have probably never talked to her about your feelings for her. This means that neither of you clearly know what's in each other's minds. And so, just as you are assuming she may or may not be attracted to you, she may also be assuming things. This is not a healthy communication. In fact, this barrier will not help sort things out in your head.
Tips: Talk with her about your feelings. Have a dialogue with her about what you feel for her. Ask her about her thoughts. She may not want to disclose her feelings. That's ok. But you will at least have done half the work. You can also ask her what she means when she says "I am going ot be married soon". In stead of trying to assume what she wants to convey, asking her will be a better choice. And once you have had this conversation, you will have come clear facts to work towards. And whichever way this goes, you will find that it's easier to deal with it comapred to current situation when things are not clear!
If it is possible for you, you can also seek help of a trained counselor in your area and discuss important issues. You will not be seeking direct solution from the counselor, but it might help you take the decisions for yourself.
I hope this reply helps you a bit. Please let me know your thoughts and if you would want to discuss more.
Take care.
Dr Abhijeet Deshmukh
Let us find out what might be creating the stress and the negative emotions, in each of these examples.
1) You have always wanted to grow up and do something good in life, so that you can help your family. And you have always wanted to improve the quality of life for your family. This thought can stem from XXXXXXX seated beliefs that 'there must never be any trouble for family'. And this current situation with your brother's wife's behavior is in direct conflict with that XXXXXXX belief. This conflict is what is creating the stress in you.
Tips: Try to modify the belief slightly. In stead of thinking "I have not done anything for my family", you can start telling yourself "I will always work towards betterment of my family, but there will be challenges". One person's behavior CANNOT negate every effort YOU have taken for your family so far. And as long as you are continuing the efforts for a better life for family, you cannot fail.
Things are indeed going on well as you have completed your education successfully and are into a job now. Just keep your focus straight on your goal. If you do not have a clearly defined goal, give yourself some weekend, and decide upon some short term and long term goals for yourself and your family. And then continue to work towards achieving them at any cost. You will find that if you have a set goal, distractions are not much of a problem.
Another way of a rational thinking you can adopt is "this current problem with my brother's wife's behavior will not necessarily last for a long time. And I should not assume that this problem is completely going to ruin the family's happiness XXXXXXX
2) About the losses in business at home - You are already aware of the fact that loss and profit are integral parts of any business. But as long as the business is runing, there is always hope for a better outcome. Check whether you need to worry 'too much' about it when some news comes. You have mentioned that this thing may not be bothering you now. That is a good thing. Just as you are assuming that everything will go well after some time, also prevent yourself from assuming that 'this is very bad'.
3) About your friend - There are a couple of important things I would like to mention about this situation.
a) It seems you would like to go ahead with a relationship with her, "if" she is also attracted to you and agrees your proposal. In such a case, avoiding any contact with her is not going to help you regain your peace of mind. You will keep on getting thought about her. Especially when you are not sure what the situation on her side is even in future. (married/single/committed).
b) You have probably never talked to her about your feelings for her. This means that neither of you clearly know what's in each other's minds. And so, just as you are assuming she may or may not be attracted to you, she may also be assuming things. This is not a healthy communication. In fact, this barrier will not help sort things out in your head.
Tips: Talk with her about your feelings. Have a dialogue with her about what you feel for her. Ask her about her thoughts. She may not want to disclose her feelings. That's ok. But you will at least have done half the work. You can also ask her what she means when she says "I am going ot be married soon". In stead of trying to assume what she wants to convey, asking her will be a better choice. And once you have had this conversation, you will have come clear facts to work towards. And whichever way this goes, you will find that it's easier to deal with it comapred to current situation when things are not clear!
If it is possible for you, you can also seek help of a trained counselor in your area and discuss important issues. You will not be seeking direct solution from the counselor, but it might help you take the decisions for yourself.
I hope this reply helps you a bit. Please let me know your thoughts and if you would want to discuss more.
Take care.
Dr Abhijeet Deshmukh
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Thanks Dr Deshmukh. I will try my best to come over these things having in mind your suggestions.
Dear XXXXXXX
I wish you all the best. Feel free to contact again if you need help.
Take care.
I wish you all the best. Feel free to contact again if you need help.
Take care.
Note: For further guidance on mental health, Click here.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
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