Hello! So For A Long Time Now, Ive Been Incredibly

Question: Hello!
So for a long time now, Ive been incredibly emotional. Im really volitale about the slightest things. I know they arent major but I just cant help but feel the way I do. My emotions are never stable and I am constantly lashing out at others for things that are totally inappropriate for me to react that way towards. Ive gotten into multiple fights due to it as well, just uncontrolled anger that I dont understand. Then when Im alone and feeling out of control, I resort to self harm as a way to get into control. Self harm has become almost ritualistic for me now, I do it every day and feel almost suicidal if I didnt do it that day.
Ive been sexually abused for a majority of my life by my brother (its still ongoing, I self harm after it happens as well). My parents dont know and I refuse to tell them. So I feel as a result of that ive just put a large wall up so to keep myself safe from others (especially men, im sorry I know its not everyone fault but I just get overwhelmed and scared). I have these intrusive thoughts about what people want to do to me or what they think of me and nothing I tell myself makes them go away. When it gets bad, I completely just dissociate and almost black out. At the same time tho, im scared of being alone for too long. Im scared they will forget me and move one. I have bad mood swings, Im incredibly impulsive and have spent hundreds of my own money on things that I never even wanted or needed. And I have developed eating disorders such as Anorexia and Bulimia.
Im sorry if this all sounded like a mess, or if I was complaining or attention seeking, but Im just desperate to get some answers. Everythings a mess and I just cant get any sort of grip on anything. I feel like its all my fault sometimes tho and I just cant keep this up anymore.