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How Do I Gain Full Trust In My Husband Once Again?

Posted on Tue, 6 May 2014

Question: Good Morning, I just watched a rerun & would like to find the 7 questions that help you figure out if I should stay in my marriage after my husband had an affair.

Answered by Dr. Anjana Rao Kavoor (1 hour later)

Brief Answer: Psychotherapeutic intervention is advised Detailed Answer: Hi XXXXXXX Thanks for writing to us, I went through the history provided by you. I understand that you are going through a rough patch in your life. There have been stressful events one after the other making it hard for you to cope with them and now you have come to a cross road where your marriage is at stake. Marriage is an institution which involves two adults in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate are acknowledged. In case the marriage falls into trouble, the best solution may be found through mutual discussion and the decision of whether or not one should stay in a marriage should not be made in haste. At this point, a discussion on all issues between you two should take priority. It can be informal, but would be more fruitful if conducted in the presence of a professional therapist and following defined guidelines. Marital therapy, Interpersonal and Couples therapies are some of the techniques which might help both of you to come to terms with a lot of difficulties in your marriage. While calling it off may be an easy way out, these sessions might open up other options as well. Further, i would advice that other stressors in your life, which may have affected you in various ways, should not cloud your judgement with regard to this issue. This point should also be discussed with therapist and a comprehensive approach is recommended. I understand you feel angry and low after what has happened but taking a hasty decision on the basis of few questions would not serve the purpose. Hope this helps, Dr A Rao

Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar

Follow up: Dr. Anjana Rao Kavoor (2 hours later)

Thank you for you speedy reply. I don't agree that we need therapy. We are quite capable of discussing all issues that come our way. I guess I should stress that our marriage is a very healthy one. We are both usually 100% in tune with one another. I believe the reason he did it was because of his own low self steam regarding his manhood. And the fact that an old flame had made a visit while I was not home. I had known about her visit & would have been here to meet her but circumstances wouldn't allow me too. I feel that he was very vulnerable because of his inability to function as he used to. I feel that he thought he needed someone strange to liven him up. After the fact he found that it didn't help him physically at all & he had wounded my heart. We discussed the issue over & over until we both felt like we had resolved the issue. Although we resolved the issue my inner instincts is telling me it could happen again if I let my guard down. So I suppose my question should be. How do I gain my full trust in him once again? Because of our age difference he grew up in the wild 60's & he is also a celebrity. I agreed years ago to have an honest & open relationship. It was agreed that if we happened to be involved in a sharing of another couple we would all be involved. I found that to be a very hard decision for me but was able to digest it & move on. We hadn't had exchange for years. I was broken hearted because he encountered the woman behind my back & I found out by knowing & understanding him so well. He also left quite a bit of evidence that led me to figuring out what had happened. I do feel as though I have come to grips with the matter. I suppose I just need to let time pass to see if he truly understands how much that hurt me. He has apologized but still thinks it wasn't that big of a deal. Time will tell & I am hoping it never happens again. Thanks again for your advice, XXXXXXX I know in my heart we both want nothing more than to remain happily married.

Answered by Dr. Anjana Rao Kavoor (18 hours later)

Brief Answer: Agreed, you have good discussions. Detailed Answer: Hi, Thanks for writing back, It is good to see that you are being able to think and act so maturely in a situation like this where most people tend to act impulsively and make bad choices. During your discussions have you openly expressed your opinion of the affair? Regarding his low self-esteem? If so how did he react to it? Not many people take it positively. If this were to be the actual cause for his behavior as you point out, then reduced sexual performance would leave him frustrated if not addressed in the future and that may affect your relationship in one way or the other. It may or may not be in the form of repetition of this incident. I also noticed that you both seem to have certain differences in your perception of marriage and faithfulness (that you may have been avoiding all this while). You said you agreed for an open relationship in the beginning but you were reluctantly okay with exchanges. He has always been the one to propose such ideas. He did not think this affair was a big deal while it has left you heart broken and you even contemplated walking out of the marriage. Does he address this difference? Do you admit to it? I agree you seem to be having good discussions over the issue, but doing so professionally would open up problems that you may have been avoiding consciously or unconsciously or may not even realize exists. It may be at a deeper level. I hope this helps, Dr. A Rao

Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar