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How To Deal With Parent Child Relationship Problems?
Question: I am dealing with a difficult family situation..
1. Father is like an enemy. He was undermined be all his life, while pretending to be a well wished. He is jealous of my perceived success. He is an abusive & chronic alcoholic.
2. Mother is also mean, conniving, and selfish at times. She also pretends to be a well wisher.
3. The problem is that they try to put guilt on me & bury me with the idea that I am obligated to them.. If not directly then in subtle ways so they can manipulate me into doing & acting as they wish.
4. My life has been a living hell for 35 years & I don't know what to do. I have incredible amounts of hate & anger towards both of them.
5. Now they are older & somewhat helpless & expect me to be there to help then with their life's problems.
6. I have tried to reach out to them & explain my pain at times but their attitude is - basically stop your complaints and go to hell. They also refuse to acknowledge any pain that they have caused me.
6.5 I am also very attached to them unfortunately and worry about them constantly. They always have problems of some type or another including significant health problems.
7. Please help me find some directions.
1. Father is like an enemy. He was undermined be all his life, while pretending to be a well wished. He is jealous of my perceived success. He is an abusive & chronic alcoholic.
2. Mother is also mean, conniving, and selfish at times. She also pretends to be a well wisher.
3. The problem is that they try to put guilt on me & bury me with the idea that I am obligated to them.. If not directly then in subtle ways so they can manipulate me into doing & acting as they wish.
4. My life has been a living hell for 35 years & I don't know what to do. I have incredible amounts of hate & anger towards both of them.
5. Now they are older & somewhat helpless & expect me to be there to help then with their life's problems.
6. I have tried to reach out to them & explain my pain at times but their attitude is - basically stop your complaints and go to hell. They also refuse to acknowledge any pain that they have caused me.
6.5 I am also very attached to them unfortunately and worry about them constantly. They always have problems of some type or another including significant health problems.
7. Please help me find some directions.
Brief Answer:
Hi XXXXXXX the problem you are facing is common
Detailed Answer:
Hi XXXXXXX the problem you are facing is common between parents and adult children.I have dealt with several such cases among my patients and can relate to your pain. Talking it out with them will not help. Your mother is torn between your father and you. I personally think you should move away close to them if you can afford it. This way you can continue to take care of their health (your mother especially, since the prospects of your father changing is remote), and you will get some peace. Do you have brothers and sisters? If you do, you should demand that they also share in taking care of your parents. It is your right to demand this. Otherwise you will suffer and so will your work. I sincerely hope my advise helps you and wish you all the best. You can revert back to me for further follow up. Regards
Hi XXXXXXX the problem you are facing is common
Detailed Answer:
Hi XXXXXXX the problem you are facing is common between parents and adult children.I have dealt with several such cases among my patients and can relate to your pain. Talking it out with them will not help. Your mother is torn between your father and you. I personally think you should move away close to them if you can afford it. This way you can continue to take care of their health (your mother especially, since the prospects of your father changing is remote), and you will get some peace. Do you have brothers and sisters? If you do, you should demand that they also share in taking care of your parents. It is your right to demand this. Otherwise you will suffer and so will your work. I sincerely hope my advise helps you and wish you all the best. You can revert back to me for further follow up. Regards
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Yogesh D
Doctor I'm not sure if I understood your response. Are you suggesting that I should move away for them? Or are you staing that I should live in the same city & continue to take care of them?
I do have a brother who has 3 children so he is busy with his own life. They also seem that close to him & continue to reach out to me when they need assistance.
I don't mind taking care of them. However, I wish that my father to get help with his drinking & his psychological problems since being close to someone like that can be damaging to me psychologically. I am trying to improve my life but the more I let them into my life I fear that they will somehow be a negative influence on me.
Please advise. Thank you.
I do have a brother who has 3 children so he is busy with his own life. They also seem that close to him & continue to reach out to me when they need assistance.
I don't mind taking care of them. However, I wish that my father to get help with his drinking & his psychological problems since being close to someone like that can be damaging to me psychologically. I am trying to improve my life but the more I let them into my life I fear that they will somehow be a negative influence on me.
Please advise. Thank you.
Brief Answer:
Hi XXXXXXX I had suggested that you move away but close to them.
Detailed Answer:
Hi XXXXXXX I had suggested that you move away but close to them in the same city. Knowing how you feel you will be worried about them. And if possible get married, you will have a companion to share your worries and responsibilities. By being close to them, you can respond whenever they need you. In our culture, we do not abandon parents, whatever their problems. This way they may also learn to appreciate you better. Your brother may be busy with his life, but still needs to take care of his parents too.He can come frequently, and also explore the possibility of moving near them or moving them near him, to give you some physical and mental relief. When Siblings share in parental care it becomes easier, and does not put a load on any one person. You can only pray that your father gives up his drinking. Regards
Hi XXXXXXX I had suggested that you move away but close to them.
Detailed Answer:
Hi XXXXXXX I had suggested that you move away but close to them in the same city. Knowing how you feel you will be worried about them. And if possible get married, you will have a companion to share your worries and responsibilities. By being close to them, you can respond whenever they need you. In our culture, we do not abandon parents, whatever their problems. This way they may also learn to appreciate you better. Your brother may be busy with his life, but still needs to take care of his parents too.He can come frequently, and also explore the possibility of moving near them or moving them near him, to give you some physical and mental relief. When Siblings share in parental care it becomes easier, and does not put a load on any one person. You can only pray that your father gives up his drinking. Regards
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Raju A.T
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