Question: Hello,
It's a bit difficult to sum up everything I need and want to ask, but here it goes:
I have had an extremely miserable childhood. My mother was(is) a textbook psychopath, complete with the Golden Child dynamic (my brother) and my father was(is) the sadist who did her bidding. Years passed and I moved various countries away to break free from the dysfunctional dynamic. I am now a mother, I am successful in my working field and...I'm extremely miserable, tortured by guilt, self-doubt, self-resentment, wallowing in sorrow. The only times I am happy are when I am with my kids and even then I am paralyzed by fear of how incompetent as a mother I am and what could happen to them out in the world.
My marriage is...well. I have always sought out relationships with strong, authoritative, abusive, controlling, manipulative men..like my father. I have had 3 long-term relationships and 5 hook-ups in between. Things got progressively bad with each, culminating in my current (and only) marriage with the father of my children. There was everything - emotional and psychological abuse, beatings, humiliation. He has hit me, punched me, strangled me, stood on top of me, pushed me into walls and banged my head against the car while I hold our first child. Then he stopped, he begged for forgiveness, which I gave him. But I can't forgive myself. Most women would find the first slap or punch to be a wake-up call. For me, it was like 'OK, fine'. I don't understand how could a person be as jaded as myself. But it goes back further.I stopped self-harming years ago but I still feel like I 'deserve to be unhappy', I deny myself almost everything - little shopping treats, eating what I want because 'I don't deserve it'.
For as long as I can remember (think 3-4 yearsold) I have resented the thought of someone/anyone touching me. I was never hugged by my parents nor did I want them to. The only caresses I got were from my paternal grandmother whom I loved to death. After her death, my mother stopped trying to hide she resented me (something she's always denied, but that was hard to hide). Still, I was unnaturally curious and informed about sex for a little child. So much was my morbid obsession that I went out and lost my virginity to a random 26-yearold guy at 13. Since then, every single time I have had sex I simply 'endure' it. I resent the thought of someone touching me (I am straight, it's not a hidden female fantasy thing), getting THAT close to me, it makes me uncomfortable and, frankly, bores me when it lasts longer than 3-5min. To mask that, I started watching porn and willingly sought out a few one-night stands to 'teach myself' to like sex and to be like everyone else. It's gotten to a point, where sex is a brilliant performance for me - one that all my parents have loved as my disinterest in getting pleasured allows me to go the extra mile and give them all the attention. I am not squeamish, I give head and I make sure to moan and 'say the right stuff' to encourage them and flatter their ego. All the while I just want to lay there circa 'frozen chicken' (which I understand how disrespectful it is so would never do it) or, better yet, be left alone. I have no desire to cheat on my husband, I don't fantasize about anything sexual. But I am losing more and more respect for myself for putting up with something I detest so much.
My question, I guess, is the following: I have strong reasons to believe there is something in my childhood that has 'fucked me up' to this point but for all my efforts - I have never been able to unearth it. I want to heal, but how can I if I don't know what I need to be healing from? I have visited psychiatrists in the past - maybe they didn't get what the problem was, but it didn't help. What can I do? How can I approach this? Will hypnosis help me remember? What if there's nothing there? I don't know where to start.
Religion and praying helps. But I am way too analytical and I overthink ab-so-lut-ley everything not to continue digging further. I simply need answers.