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Suggest Treatment For Depression And Substance Abuse

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Posted on Tue, 11 Nov 2014
Question: My husband constantly lies...he abuses substances..alcohol and cigarettes....of course lies about those...lies about finances...I have no idea what he does with his money...he has unpredictable anger outbursts...is very jealous....one day he loves and adores me...the next day I'm called filthy names and he wants a divorce. He has everyone fooled...they think he is the best....he can change his anger on a dime if the phone rings, for example. He is a hard worker and has always had a steady job. He is intelligent and has been told his entire life how handsome he is. I am afraid to go out with him because he will have angry ourbursts in restaurants if the food isn't right, with me if he thinks I looked at another guy...please give me insight....I am walking on eggshells with him. If he is sober, he is much better...still has underlying anger, but is more controlled. He has been physically and verbally abusive with me. Thanks.

His real father left his family of 5 children when he was 5 years old. He was 4th in birth order. His mother married another man who adopted all 5 children and raised them as his own. My husband has been married twice before; I am his third wife. He suffers somewhat from depression. He is in good shape genetically; he does not exercise. He had an acute MI at age 43; had 4 stents placed. This did not stop him from smoking. He does not take criticism well; he is a perfectionist. He is also an accomplished musician; very intelligent. Both right and left-brained. Mechanically inclined. He works fulltime and has a part time business. His relationship with his children is fair as long as he sends them money. I'm not allowed to know them. Although recently he says he wants me to know them. He has a great relationship with my sons and grandchildren. He refuses to pay for much of anything....will pay a portion of house payment and the water XXXXXXX He will barely take care of me; at times he will cook for me and buy me the food I like. But he forgot my 50th birthday, would not come to ER when I was there and in fact told me to "shove it up my ass." Doesn't ever make time for me....hardly intimate. Makes me cover all expenses. Makes fun of all that I do, my friends, my car, etc. I barely drink, do not smoke or abuse substances. He steals from me, breaks my things, etc. I am at a loss. Right when I think he is doing better, it starts again.

I'm not sure how much to include for you to get a picture...one example of hundreds: my husband was so jealous of a 26 year old male that I work with that he sat on the front porch of our suburban home and yelled to all of the neighbors that I'm blowing a ___ from work. He calls me psycho all of the time.....he calls me a whore...based on nothing. I have been 100% faithful. He however, has not. However, he tells his family lies about me to get them to hate me. I feel like I'm trapped in a bad dream. He calls me ugly, old hag, a bitch, and tells me he hates me. Then he will tell me he loves me and he's so sorry. There has to be an answer. I have a B.S., am employed as a supervisor, work 2 jobs, participate in family activities....but I am far from perfect. However, I feel this is unacceptable behavior. Please advise.
doctor
Answered by Dr. Dr. Rovena (2 hours later)
Brief Answer:
Detailed below.

Detailed Answer:
Hello!

I am really sorry for all this bad situation in your life.
I read very carefully your query and understand your concerns.
Every women deserves to be loved and respected by her partner and there are no excuses for his insults and maltreatment.
You are totally right ,this is unacceptable behavior.

It seems that he doesn't have problems only with you but with every other person around him.

Considering all the information provided I can tell that he doesn't seem to have any medical condition (including psychiatric conditions) that would cause this behavior.
There is no medical condition that would explain his acts.
It seems to be just his personality and the way he is.

It is very clear that your husband has psychological issues that might have the origin in his infancy.
He need to consult a psychologist and to undergo a therapy to understand what is the cause of his anger and his behavior.
A therapist may help him but for this he need to ask for help.You can't do nothing against his will.

If he thinks that he is OK and all the things he do ,the way he treats you are normal ,it will be very difficult convincing him to consult a therapist or psychologist .

All I can tell is that you deserve to be treated with respect by your husband and you don't have to suffer in silence his maltreatment.
If he doesn't want to change and to ask for help ,then there is nothing you can do for him.
You should think more about yourself and decide if you can deal with all this situation anymore or you want to move on.

Let me know if you have any other question or doubt to clarify.I will be happy to assist you further.

Kind Regards,
Dr.Rovena Murati


Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Dr. Rovena (29 hours later)
Thank you for your response. I am physically ill from his abuse. I have difficulty sleeping; when I do, I have nightmares on occasion. I constantly worry about money because he inadvertently steals from me, I.e., he will talk me into paying a huge XXXXXXX tell me he will pay me back, and I never see a dime.
He leaves and doesn't tell me where he is. I clearly need help to cope. I am in need of support. I have gone to Al-Anon and it was helpful...but humiliating to admit I live with this abuse. It is embarrassing when he lies to his family about me. He has made a fool of me in front of my family.
In your opinion, what do I do?
doctor
Answered by Dr. Dr. Rovena (10 hours later)
Brief Answer:
Detailed below.

Detailed Answer:
Hello again!

I apologize for the delay in answering you.
I am really sorry for all you have suffered.

I can understand that you love your husband but you should love yourself more.
You are more important .You deserve to be loved and respected by him.
I can't tell you what to do but if I was in your place I would get him out of my life.

The abuse and maltreatment is unacceptable and you can't suffer it in silence ,accepting that you are a victim and don't do nothing about it.
You are strong enough to react and if he can't change or at least ask for help ,get him out of your life.

Think about your life.Life is too short to spend it with a person that doesn't respect you and let him making your life a hell.
You deserve to have at least a quite ,peaceful life and why not a life with a person that loves you.

Don't think about your family ,his family or other things.Just think about yourself.
You are the only one that can do this.No one else is going to do it for you.

I wish I could do more for you dear.
Let me know if I can help you.

Take care of yourself.
Dr.Rovena
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Dr. Rovena (8 hours later)
Thank you. You have done more than you know. Your words are truths that I already know.... But for whatever reason, I do not respect myself enough to take care of me. I don't know if I think I'm not worthy of respect...but the real reason probably lies in-between...not wanting to disappoint my family..worrying about paying bills. Oddly, sometimes the things we need to hear most come from a perfect stranger. Somehow seeing it in writing is a wake up call.
Many blessings to you.
doctor
Answered by Dr. Dr. Rovena (11 hours later)
Brief Answer:
detailed below.

Detailed Answer:
Hello again!

I can understand that this is a huge step and you are concerned about your family and your future but you shouldn't.
Now it is time to think about yourself.Your family is your family ,they will be with you and appreciate you more if you are strong enough to put a end to his abuses.

You are perfect in the way you are and this because God made you like that.Because of that you deserve to be loved and respected.Please don't let anyone or anything convince you for the otherwise.

You know ,God uses different ways to tell us something.Maybe writing here and asking for help was a way for him to tell you that probably it is time to change your life.

I wish you a happy and peaceful life.
God bless you.

Dr.Rovena
Note: For further guidance on mental health, Click here.

Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
doctor
Answered by
Dr.
Dr. Dr. Rovena

General & Family Physician

Practicing since :2013

Answered : 1243 Questions

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Suggest Treatment For Depression And Substance Abuse

Brief Answer: Detailed below. Detailed Answer: Hello! I am really sorry for all this bad situation in your life. I read very carefully your query and understand your concerns. Every women deserves to be loved and respected by her partner and there are no excuses for his insults and maltreatment. You are totally right ,this is unacceptable behavior. It seems that he doesn't have problems only with you but with every other person around him. Considering all the information provided I can tell that he doesn't seem to have any medical condition (including psychiatric conditions) that would cause this behavior. There is no medical condition that would explain his acts. It seems to be just his personality and the way he is. It is very clear that your husband has psychological issues that might have the origin in his infancy. He need to consult a psychologist and to undergo a therapy to understand what is the cause of his anger and his behavior. A therapist may help him but for this he need to ask for help.You can't do nothing against his will. If he thinks that he is OK and all the things he do ,the way he treats you are normal ,it will be very difficult convincing him to consult a therapist or psychologist . All I can tell is that you deserve to be treated with respect by your husband and you don't have to suffer in silence his maltreatment. If he doesn't want to change and to ask for help ,then there is nothing you can do for him. You should think more about yourself and decide if you can deal with all this situation anymore or you want to move on. Let me know if you have any other question or doubt to clarify.I will be happy to assist you further. Kind Regards, Dr.Rovena Murati