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Suggest Treatment For Low And High Moods Along With Frustation
Question: Hi, I dated a beautiful , intelligent girl for more than 5 years, she courageously came to XXXXXXX for me from the US to study and grow our relationship. After a 9 month long distance relationship , she came to XXXXXXX I was on cloud 9, but over our initial dating period I had noticed some mood swings and a temper, but I ignored these because here was the love of my life. She could say very bitter things and not even remember saying them. Anyway, after a very up and down relationship (with numerous periods taken to assess things), she wanted to go back to the States. I procrastinated as I wasn't sure if I could make it with her or not, as we went through a rough 18mth period where she did not trust me in public as she felt I was staring at other women, which was so soul destroying for me and would ruin a night out and she would keep up the silent contempt toward me for a few days. We went to a relationship councillor which did not seem to help unfortunately. What did help was, after alot of patient talking and calmness fom my behalf she went to an anger management person to help her rebuild a very broken relationship she had with her sister for more than 10 years and thankfully this did have a positive affect. She had her temper and her distaste for all things related to my culture including my friends and family. She was (as an afterthought) always seemed to be agonizing her situation in her mind. It has hurt me , as she could be so giving with her care and kindness. She had told me early on how she had proven her dad was having affairs and her Mum became introverted and was hard on the 4 kids. I got on with every member of her family at Thanksgiving gatherings etc. As mentioned it hurt me a little to see her be very short and disrespectful to her own family and some of her friends and would talk them down easily behind their backs. After 5 years of trying to make things work, I let her down a little by her reading some of my private e-mails to 2 international friends trying to rationalise if it was normal the tempers I was experiencing with her and I wrongly agreed to meet another girl for a chat that XXXXXXX found out about. I tried to take responsibility for both and make amends to her. I have felt so bad by this. She sacrificed alot coming to my Country and leaving her friends and family behind. Since the break-up (7 months ago) I have attended a councillor who has helped me discover that I worry too much about what other people think or might perceive and also that I do not express my true feelings to a loved one for fear of upsetting them... We travelled together so much and I have so many reminders / memories of her, I think of the good , the bad and what could have been. She always said she liked been with me as it helped her become a better person. I'm trying to move on... I worked in the US for 2 years and travelled there recently to visit friends, I personally find it easier to mix with people and feel I have a better opportunity of meeting people and possibly going on dates. Don't know why this is, of course in XXXXXXX I live in amore rural type area with most of my friends married and settled, and they don't have the same interest in socilaising. I'm feeling the pressure at 38 and not settled and having expended so much time and energy in this broken relationship it does get me down and to try and meet a new person is a little bit of a challenge. Would really welcome your thought or advice for some having dealt with a tough relationship like this and wanting to move on. Without wanting to be hard on XXXXXXX , doing a little bit of research she may have had a little bit of BPD, which I'm not sure, but I do know at times I felt as if I was walking on egg shells and would watch what i would say and also what XXXXXXX might say in front of very close friends or family.
Brief Answer:
Never try to run away from emotions
Detailed Answer:
Dear XXXXXX
Welcome to HCM
We understand your concerns
I went through your detailed description. I too feel very emotional and am with you. Anybody, irrespective of caste, creed, religion or nationality will be troubled like you under the given circumstances.
I do sympathize with you, but my job is to bring you out of the emotional clutches.
Just for you to make sure, Your condition is not BPD at all. You do have low and high moods, but that usually happen to disappointed people and such mood changes cannot be treated as BPD.
I can assure you, you are just disappointed. Disappointment brings symptoms like sadness, lethargy, emotions, anger, aggression, frustration, resentment, rebellion etc. These symptoms are common with many mental disorders. But disappointment is never like any other mental disorders. Because it is just normal happening.
Everyone gets disappointed. Disappointment happens when something happens in life which is unexpected and negative. Initially everyone is shocked. Then, according to the experience of that person, the symptoms I gave earlier creeps up. Slowly subsides but seldom leaves fully. They always remember the incident.
Human being come across so many experiences in life. Some positive and some negative. Positive incidents teaches positive lessons. Negative incidents also teaches POSITIVE LESSONS. Why remember and ponder over negatived incidents instead of positive lessons they taught?
In your case, relationship grew into love and affection. Love and affection which can be recognized only after long family life. You are having this emotion because she left after being with you for long.
Therefore, the emotion you are experiencing, could be compared to bereavement experience.
In married couple, one should leave the world earlier than the other. The living one is emotionally thrashed. But in most of the cases, life goes on. Tragedy is tragedy. Emotion is emotion and sadness and depression are there. but life must go on. That does not mean that the living person has not loved the deceased, or not sad. LIFE MUST GO ON. Therefore he becomes active and more creative.
He does one more thing. Enjoys thinking about the deceased partner. Enjoys dreaming about the colorful past.
That is because, he is sure, that the deceased person will never come back and he becomes wise. LIFE MUST GO ON.
Hope you understood. You too are supposed to do the same. Enjoy life. Be creative and active in whatever you do. Enjoy thinking about your past relationship. Feel proud of it. Never try to run away from it or escape from the emotions.
It will take some time. But I am sure you will learn to live it with pleasure.
Hope this answers your query. Available for further clarifications.
God bless you.
Dr. K V Anand PhD
Never try to run away from emotions
Detailed Answer:
Dear XXXXXX
Welcome to HCM
We understand your concerns
I went through your detailed description. I too feel very emotional and am with you. Anybody, irrespective of caste, creed, religion or nationality will be troubled like you under the given circumstances.
I do sympathize with you, but my job is to bring you out of the emotional clutches.
Just for you to make sure, Your condition is not BPD at all. You do have low and high moods, but that usually happen to disappointed people and such mood changes cannot be treated as BPD.
I can assure you, you are just disappointed. Disappointment brings symptoms like sadness, lethargy, emotions, anger, aggression, frustration, resentment, rebellion etc. These symptoms are common with many mental disorders. But disappointment is never like any other mental disorders. Because it is just normal happening.
Everyone gets disappointed. Disappointment happens when something happens in life which is unexpected and negative. Initially everyone is shocked. Then, according to the experience of that person, the symptoms I gave earlier creeps up. Slowly subsides but seldom leaves fully. They always remember the incident.
Human being come across so many experiences in life. Some positive and some negative. Positive incidents teaches positive lessons. Negative incidents also teaches POSITIVE LESSONS. Why remember and ponder over negatived incidents instead of positive lessons they taught?
In your case, relationship grew into love and affection. Love and affection which can be recognized only after long family life. You are having this emotion because she left after being with you for long.
Therefore, the emotion you are experiencing, could be compared to bereavement experience.
In married couple, one should leave the world earlier than the other. The living one is emotionally thrashed. But in most of the cases, life goes on. Tragedy is tragedy. Emotion is emotion and sadness and depression are there. but life must go on. That does not mean that the living person has not loved the deceased, or not sad. LIFE MUST GO ON. Therefore he becomes active and more creative.
He does one more thing. Enjoys thinking about the deceased partner. Enjoys dreaming about the colorful past.
That is because, he is sure, that the deceased person will never come back and he becomes wise. LIFE MUST GO ON.
Hope you understood. You too are supposed to do the same. Enjoy life. Be creative and active in whatever you do. Enjoy thinking about your past relationship. Feel proud of it. Never try to run away from it or escape from the emotions.
It will take some time. But I am sure you will learn to live it with pleasure.
Hope this answers your query. Available for further clarifications.
God bless you.
Dr. K V Anand PhD
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Dear Dr. XXXXXXX
Thank you very much for your response.
As you say I am grieving and my moods are a little up and down myself unfortunately, also sometimes I have dark thoughts but I know I have to push them out of my mind and focus on the good. I have always been grateful for things in my life but because XXXXXXX was so annoyed about most things in XXXXXXX she did not show much gratitude for things that I either bought for her or took her to, to help take her mind of things so we could enjoy something together. This has, (for now) left a little mark on me. My nature wants everyone to have as good a time as possible, maybe sometimes I do this to my own detriment.
I try not to let the past and the hurt "colour" my mood or my days, but it does and it's hard not to let it happen. I do try to keep busy and push on with things.
In the last period, I have been busy;
1) In the process of buying a house,
2) I have travelled to catch up with friends in Australia,
3) Searching for a new job, (which XXXXXXX had helped me with also)
4) All I want is to be able to enjoy life, work hard, be successful, have time to relax with aloved one, enjoy travel, work a little on my renewable energy project in the USA, at some stage marry, have kids, settle down, impart our values to our kids
5) I am living with my parents who are very good, but my Mother is in her early 70's and is suffering badly with osteoporosis and it is crippling her which is hard for her but hard for me to see and obviously live with for now. I do try to help , but can't help feeling I should be forging my own life with a loved one and not let life slip by.
6) I have just started a new job which will involve more travel and will require a bigger challenge which will be good, but I have to focus on it. XXXXXXX was very business orientated and we used to enjoy our chats in that whole area, as her background is marketing. For now I will miss not having her by my side at events where a partner can attend. I know I have to imagine someone else by my side now.
7) I wish I had more friends (from my local area) show more interest in my current hurting period, I have 1 or 2 who are great but I don't want to be a burden on them either. I realise that life moves on and when people marry and settle they have less time to offer, but not ringing back or being slow is a little dissapointing. I have friends in different parts of the World that I can contact, and they are very good at getting back to me.
Is there any good techniques that I could employ when my mind starts to churn over things too much and draw me down?
I loved XXXXXXX but couldn't handle fully her direct / expressive/ tempermental side which is hard , as everyone of her family members and extended family were so warm and welcoming to me and I am a people person, it's were I get my energy from.
I have been told to read and keep a journal...
Would welcome your thoughts and advice in this area.
Sincerest Regards,
XXXXXX XXXXXXX
Thank you very much for your response.
As you say I am grieving and my moods are a little up and down myself unfortunately, also sometimes I have dark thoughts but I know I have to push them out of my mind and focus on the good. I have always been grateful for things in my life but because XXXXXXX was so annoyed about most things in XXXXXXX she did not show much gratitude for things that I either bought for her or took her to, to help take her mind of things so we could enjoy something together. This has, (for now) left a little mark on me. My nature wants everyone to have as good a time as possible, maybe sometimes I do this to my own detriment.
I try not to let the past and the hurt "colour" my mood or my days, but it does and it's hard not to let it happen. I do try to keep busy and push on with things.
In the last period, I have been busy;
1) In the process of buying a house,
2) I have travelled to catch up with friends in Australia,
3) Searching for a new job, (which XXXXXXX had helped me with also)
4) All I want is to be able to enjoy life, work hard, be successful, have time to relax with aloved one, enjoy travel, work a little on my renewable energy project in the USA, at some stage marry, have kids, settle down, impart our values to our kids
5) I am living with my parents who are very good, but my Mother is in her early 70's and is suffering badly with osteoporosis and it is crippling her which is hard for her but hard for me to see and obviously live with for now. I do try to help , but can't help feeling I should be forging my own life with a loved one and not let life slip by.
6) I have just started a new job which will involve more travel and will require a bigger challenge which will be good, but I have to focus on it. XXXXXXX was very business orientated and we used to enjoy our chats in that whole area, as her background is marketing. For now I will miss not having her by my side at events where a partner can attend. I know I have to imagine someone else by my side now.
7) I wish I had more friends (from my local area) show more interest in my current hurting period, I have 1 or 2 who are great but I don't want to be a burden on them either. I realise that life moves on and when people marry and settle they have less time to offer, but not ringing back or being slow is a little dissapointing. I have friends in different parts of the World that I can contact, and they are very good at getting back to me.
Is there any good techniques that I could employ when my mind starts to churn over things too much and draw me down?
I loved XXXXXXX but couldn't handle fully her direct / expressive/ tempermental side which is hard , as everyone of her family members and extended family were so warm and welcoming to me and I am a people person, it's were I get my energy from.
I have been told to read and keep a journal...
Would welcome your thoughts and advice in this area.
Sincerest Regards,
XXXXXX XXXXXXX
Brief Answer:
THE GLASS IS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?
Detailed Answer:
Dear XXXXXXX
Thank you for the follow up
I am grateful that I am speaking to a compassionate hearty soul. Thanking god for that. You nature "to give good time to others" is actual prayer. God definitely has a nice place for you in his heart.
You are living with your aged parents. That is another nice thing I would appreciate. Even god too. They need you with them and you are at it. They are blessed to have a son like you.
Your new job should give you more challenges and make you even more busy. Being creative and keeping others entertained, should give you good relief.
Making friends is not a difficult task. You have to keep in mind that you have to approach. Approach people elder than you. Keep approaching one person a day. Just introduce yourself and start small talk. Then they will do the talking and you be the listener. Just half an hour daily. After a few days, you will have one or two good friends, others get filtered automatically.
You will be able to "handle fully her direct / expressive/ temperamental side which is hard" because you are already experienced in that. Secondly everyone in this situation does that. Thirdly you are good guy with blessings of parents. Just ensure that you are not avoiding "thoughts about her". Whenever you get free time, sit back, relax, bring on sweet memories. Now she is a part of you, your emotions, your thoughts, you cannot keep her aside. Be graceful to her.
Keeping a journal of your thoughts should be good. Also include timings and duration of thoughts.
The following steps also could be useful.
1. Mindfulness meditation for 15 minutes when you feel fresh. You will get the details of mindfulness meditation in Google search .
2. Keeping yourself creative shall divert your attention towards something more entertaining. If you have leisure time, while traveling or something like that, you can use your laptop of smart phone for some creative task like drawing or painting, or hobbies which you are entertained.
3. Positive self talk should be beneficial to you. Stand in front of a large mirror. Address your mirror image as "YOU". Utter some positive sentences about self like Your past was colorful due to Steph", XXXXXXX taught you how to be encouraged, You should be grateful to Steph", "You are a capable and compassionate person", You are doing a good job in looking after your parents", You are empathetic", etc. You can create your own positive sentences regarding your positive aspects.
The above three steps should be enough for you to overcome your negative emotions.
Thoughts will come. Brain does its duty. You should be able to divert your thoughts creatively or by doing priority tasks or to make those thoughts positive.
Remember we have the ability to perceive "THE GLASS IS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL".
JUST DO THAT.
I am sure you will be able to. I can also assure you that within a year, you will start a new life with your new family. God has everything accounted for.
God bless you.
Dr. K V Anand PhD.
THE GLASS IS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?
Detailed Answer:
Dear XXXXXXX
Thank you for the follow up
I am grateful that I am speaking to a compassionate hearty soul. Thanking god for that. You nature "to give good time to others" is actual prayer. God definitely has a nice place for you in his heart.
You are living with your aged parents. That is another nice thing I would appreciate. Even god too. They need you with them and you are at it. They are blessed to have a son like you.
Your new job should give you more challenges and make you even more busy. Being creative and keeping others entertained, should give you good relief.
Making friends is not a difficult task. You have to keep in mind that you have to approach. Approach people elder than you. Keep approaching one person a day. Just introduce yourself and start small talk. Then they will do the talking and you be the listener. Just half an hour daily. After a few days, you will have one or two good friends, others get filtered automatically.
You will be able to "handle fully her direct / expressive/ temperamental side which is hard" because you are already experienced in that. Secondly everyone in this situation does that. Thirdly you are good guy with blessings of parents. Just ensure that you are not avoiding "thoughts about her". Whenever you get free time, sit back, relax, bring on sweet memories. Now she is a part of you, your emotions, your thoughts, you cannot keep her aside. Be graceful to her.
Keeping a journal of your thoughts should be good. Also include timings and duration of thoughts.
The following steps also could be useful.
1. Mindfulness meditation for 15 minutes when you feel fresh. You will get the details of mindfulness meditation in Google search .
2. Keeping yourself creative shall divert your attention towards something more entertaining. If you have leisure time, while traveling or something like that, you can use your laptop of smart phone for some creative task like drawing or painting, or hobbies which you are entertained.
3. Positive self talk should be beneficial to you. Stand in front of a large mirror. Address your mirror image as "YOU". Utter some positive sentences about self like Your past was colorful due to Steph", XXXXXXX taught you how to be encouraged, You should be grateful to Steph", "You are a capable and compassionate person", You are doing a good job in looking after your parents", You are empathetic", etc. You can create your own positive sentences regarding your positive aspects.
The above three steps should be enough for you to overcome your negative emotions.
Thoughts will come. Brain does its duty. You should be able to divert your thoughts creatively or by doing priority tasks or to make those thoughts positive.
Remember we have the ability to perceive "THE GLASS IS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL".
JUST DO THAT.
I am sure you will be able to. I can also assure you that within a year, you will start a new life with your new family. God has everything accounted for.
God bless you.
Dr. K V Anand PhD.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Dear Dr. XXXXXXX
Many thanks for your previous message, I appreciate it.
I am busy at my new job which is good and the people have been very nice.
One thing that I have found myself doing a little off, is comparing possible women / partners etc., to what XXXXXXX was. I know this is possibly the wrong way to be but it does happen a little. I suppose I have to focus on the future of things.
XXXXXXX was so negative about XXXXXXX that it has rubbed off a little on me, that you can focus on the negative instead of the positive, in relation to life within XXXXXXX
Your words have been very genuine and positive for me.
You also mentioned to do the 15 mins of mediation when "I'm fresh", what did you mean by that, when I have a clear head?
If you had any other areas that I should focus on I would appreciate it.
Sincerest Regards,
XXXXXX XXXXXXX
Brief Answer:
I am sure you will do well.
Detailed Answer:
Dear XXXXXXX
Thank you for the follow up.
I am very glad that you are into the process of being positive. I thank god for that.
You are on the right path, by comparing possible women. That means you are treading to have a positive family set up. You are becoming more choosy just because of the lesson you learnt. Do that without worry and that is the need of the hour. I am sure you will find a new and perfect partner in near future, who should compel (positively) to forget your old girl friend.
Doing meditation / breathing when you are fresh provides maximum benefits. The best time is morning. After doing all the morning rituals and bathing. No sleepiness or no crowded / stressed mind. Easily your mind will perform meditation as you wish.
Just before sleep also do good for you to get up in the morning positively. While in bed, lay down straight, relax every part of your body and breath slowly and start meditating. The procedure for mindfullness - Sit comfortably in a quite room or area. Close your eyes. Breath slowly. Inhale for a count of 4. Hold for a count of 2. Exhale for a count of 5. Hold for a count of 2. Do it very slowly. No stress. Try to observe your breathing. Within a few minutes your mind will drift away. Don;t worry about it. Bring it back to the breath when you are aware that the mind has drifted away. Continue this procedure for 15 minutes. At the end thank god for the beautiful past he gave you. Utter some positive sentences.
I am sure you are doing well.
God bless you.
Dr. K V Anand PhD
I am sure you will do well.
Detailed Answer:
Dear XXXXXXX
Thank you for the follow up.
I am very glad that you are into the process of being positive. I thank god for that.
You are on the right path, by comparing possible women. That means you are treading to have a positive family set up. You are becoming more choosy just because of the lesson you learnt. Do that without worry and that is the need of the hour. I am sure you will find a new and perfect partner in near future, who should compel (positively) to forget your old girl friend.
Doing meditation / breathing when you are fresh provides maximum benefits. The best time is morning. After doing all the morning rituals and bathing. No sleepiness or no crowded / stressed mind. Easily your mind will perform meditation as you wish.
Just before sleep also do good for you to get up in the morning positively. While in bed, lay down straight, relax every part of your body and breath slowly and start meditating. The procedure for mindfullness - Sit comfortably in a quite room or area. Close your eyes. Breath slowly. Inhale for a count of 4. Hold for a count of 2. Exhale for a count of 5. Hold for a count of 2. Do it very slowly. No stress. Try to observe your breathing. Within a few minutes your mind will drift away. Don;t worry about it. Bring it back to the breath when you are aware that the mind has drifted away. Continue this procedure for 15 minutes. At the end thank god for the beautiful past he gave you. Utter some positive sentences.
I am sure you are doing well.
God bless you.
Dr. K V Anand PhD
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Answered by
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