Question: Dr Seikhoo Bishnoi please. I had to close out as none of my questions were being answered....i guess after three days they think I am done..i feel so very very sad today....I am not sure that XXXXXXX is going to be able to see XXXXXXX as he lives in a town farther away from his store and me....I stayed busy today but the busier I was the sadder and more anxious I felt to the point where I just want to curl up in a ball and die...everyone is talking in groups about their relationships and how they can improve them or their lives...I feel stuck...my head tells me that I should forget XXXXXXX but my heart just can't..I am really afraid of him hurting me either physically or emotionally....yesterday was a good day but I slept well the night before...I dreamt of some bad things last night that set me on edge for the whole day. I have xxxxxxxx's car and am glad for that but it is making it hard for me to think of never seeing XXXXXXX again...I haven't been able to talk to anyone about him except XXXXXXX ..who says he understands why Michael's delusion of "protecting me" by staying away from me shows him that he cares about what happens about me and that at some level he knows that he is bad for me but that doesn't help me at all...I am feeling sadder again as the year goes on...yesterday was Michael's 65th birthday...I don't know how to feel happy anymore.....this time of year was two years ago he left me because he was afraid he might hurt me well its two years later and nothing has changed....I am afraid he might hurt XXXXXXX but XXXXXXX isn't he loves him too and said he would just call the police if he did that...which would be right because threatening and intimidating is illegal in Arizona and XXXXXXX won't have done anything to warrant it....I just wish I could feel less anxious and sad. being around people makes me feel worse in a lot of ways...how do I get past that? i am thinking of dropping those two groups...they are for people who have no insight into themselves and I end up feeling even more alone...

Thank you. Today at Shabbat a man who believes in praying for XXXXXXX and others who have been abandoned by many like XXXXXXX said he would be happy to go see him and pray with and for him. We believe in God's miraculous power of love, XXXXXXX could show him the love of God and maybe he wouldn't be so alone if XXXXXXX was to befriend him.. XXXXXXX is like a missionary to the Jews and wants them all to know jesus or Yahushuah...I didn't feel so sad sitting next to XXXXXXX at shabbat. He is such an optimistic happy man from Bavaria and so real and loving....I am not in love with him he is just becoming a friend...he talked of a way to get us to Israel that gave me hope. He knew I wouldn't be coming back to the use....Jesus said "nothing is impossible with God" and XXXXXXX said we Christian Jews need to pray for healing and deliverance and to love one another,,,I sure hope he is right,,,

He will wait...still I am feeling so depressed and just want to die...not sure why I feel like that except i feel so lonely not just for XXXXXXX but for XXXXXXX ..I hate being without him...he is my son and i never felt as lonely even though I missed XXXXXXX when he was with me..now I don't really care about much of anything anymore except going to sleep and dying....my life feels like its over...I dont know how to deal with the sadness and loneliness anymore. I have my daughter's old car now but I don't feel better and still think about dying all the time nothing seems to help with that feeling. I get out, I see people, I go to Pat's yet nothing gets better...I try to go to church but don't want to do things alone. I feel better for awhile but then I just feel worse again. When will I feel better? Its been two years now since XXXXXXX left and I still just want to die...

i am trying to feel better but dont have money enough to go to the chiropractor or get the adrenal supplements i need that make the neurotransmitters in my brain. i keep hoping i can find a place to live with XXXXXXX so far without success. anyway i am hoping for that soon.Not sure why I continue to mail you. I know the answers will be the same..No to XXXXXXX and no to XXXXXXX ...i don't really want to live anymore.....am thinking of overdosing again but have to do it this time so it works not so that i land in the hospital. tomorrow I have to go to Pat's and Tuesday to the clinic. I am going to cancel my clinic days on Thursday and friday...I am so tired of being lonely and sad just wish my life was all over....i never feel well enough long enough without XXXXXXX in my life and without XXXXXXX living with me my life is over...i am not going to israel and just spend most of my time all alone..i am so tired of it all it is so relentlessly lonely and sad and sorrow all the time and all day long.....I want it over. I am so angry with God for allowing my life to be such a lonely mess...poverty where I don't have enough to eat or much anyway...I am sick of all of it..

I understand but I am so lonely dr b that is why I don't want to live anymore. I miss XXXXXXX and when i see others with their families and loved ones i feel even more sad. I cannot even have XXXXXXX live with me...I miss XXXXXXX and things are becoming a mess for XXXXXXX because he is living with his Dad...I am angry at God because i thought He would help me with this loneliness...it is so hard because i don't feel like doing anything...i didn't even want to go to the movie with XXXXXXX tonight...what's the point...I am so broke I am spending money on a movie when i cannot even afford to buy food althought the movie is a lot less than food and I hate where I live....alll alone and so much money going out way more expensive than when XXXXXXX and I lived together....I don't want to be alone and lonely anymore and only XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX help with the loneliness...i am not going to the clinic anymore because I end up feeling even more lost and alone....others and enjoying the people there but I am sinking back into depression because nothing is changing for the better in my life only the same old poverty and loneliness for XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX .I love seeing XXXXXXX but he always has to go back to his dysfunctional father who is causing problems in his relationshiops with other people...his Dad doesn't have any boundaries and is angry all the time and making XXXXXXX pay for so much that XXXXXXX doesn't have money left to live on...its a mess....just that is bad enough but the thing with XXXXXXX and xxxxxxxx having problems is all too much for me..I wish I could help her but we both are so poor I can't help her either...I wish my life was ended...i just want to be dead......I can't keep this up forever with the loneliness and poverty....its too much for me anymore.

I am hoping that the life span God has given me is going to end soon. I took almost the whole bottle of gabapentin and am feeling sleepy. It feels so much better than being awake without those pills. i just want to sleep until I die maybe my heart will fail and that would be goodl xxxx and XXXXXXX will be sad but I would have died before them anyway at least I hope I will I couldn't stand to have them die..i would take all of my pills at once if that would happen plus tylenol I have taken all of my pills at once and noting happened so tylenol would do the trick. YOu said God has given us a short life span. I don't think so.....it has been long and full of sorrow for me except for xxxxxx and XXXXXXX but that isn't enough for me because they don't live with me..I am mostly alone...and i can't do it much longer. If I had more pills i would take them all at once with the tylenol and no one would know untl I was gone..I have stopped talking to my kids because i don't want them to know...they would just call the cops...so here i am alone and in my room....I am sleepy because of the remeron and gabapentin...i save the zanax for sleeping so will wait till tonight. thanks for trying to help me..I know you really can't help about XXXXXXX but you have tried and hung in there with me...I love you as a friend Dr B...have a nice day and I hope you don't have any really bad suicdial patients there in New XXXXXXX .you are a good man