
What Causes Anger, Furious Outbursts And Taking Control Over Other Person?

With all this, when she is quiet or outside work place, she is like a kitten, so lovable, sweet and cosy. I am afraid, is she really having some trouble lurking? What should I do. I know if I quit or be strict or resist she will break. Please throw some light/ guide me.
Overposessive overzealous friendship
Detailed Answer:
Greetings!
Welcome to Health care Magic.
Dear Mr. XXXXXX,
I completely understand what exactly you are going through currently. The scenario you have explained above is nothing but a very commonly seen scenario in different relationships (between friends, siblings, partners etc.) of course in various degrees.
Before I start discussing more in detail just want to ensure you that your friend/colleague is normal and does not have any psychiatric disorders. Hence you may relax now.
Moving further on, some times there is a kind of chemistry or ease which creeps between two individuals who have same mentality and emotional similarity. What has happened initially between you both is a kind of easiness that has been established between you both following which your friend/colleague has got closer to you and with time she has slowly taken over you and you have allowed it to happen. The XXXXXXX provided by you initially has given her so much comfort in the relationship that she has probably now become over possessive about you and perceives that you cannot do things with out her. Anything you try changing or resisting will either hurt her or anger her.
Before moving on how do we deal with this situation, i would request you some details:
1. How close is the relationship?
2. Is she close to your family and friend circle?
3. Is your friend/colleague married? How are her personal and social relationships? Does she have any other friends? Is she close to any other colleague in your workplace?
4. How is she at work? Confident and Good?
5. Any events (pleasant/ unpleasant) in her life that she has shared with you from her past life?
6. Friendship related only to office or beyond office hours?
Do get back to me with the details so that we can plan out next things ahead. Meanwhile be nice and good to her.
Take care.
Best regards,
Dr. T. Shobha Deepak
MBBS, MD


Very close and loving
2. Is she close to your family and friend circle?
My husband and my friend cant stand each other. I suffer their enmity. All my other family members and friends appreciate and love her.
3. Is your friend/colleague married? How are her personal and social relationships? Does she have any other friends? Is she close to any other colleague in your workplace?
She is not married. She is reserved type, clear in talking but at times curt to people who try to take advantage. No other close friends. Not close to ANY one in work place
4. How is she at work? Confident and Good?
Very confident, enthusiast, good in her work and dealing
5. Any events (pleasant/ unpleasant) in her life that she has shared with you from her past life?
She has told each and every details of her past/present life
6. Friendship related only to office or beyond office hours?
Our friendship is beyond office hours.
It could be because of previous freedom given
Detailed Answer:
Hi
Greetings ,
Apologies for the late reply.
From the description given , I somehow feel it is you had given her XXXXXXX to take control of your affairs. So it is quite natural that she will derive pleasure from taking control over you. As you mentioned you are extremely close to her on all fronts, so she would definitely try to take charge of you.
She would be finding herself all alone, all she has is a good friend like you on whom she can rely anytime. You are married and your family is complete. Be it as a good XXXXXXX best friend she would be finding solace in you and making her family complete.
As you mentioned all your relatives like her except your husband. Any specific reason?
Does she try to dominate over you outside professional life? How does she relate to you in your personal life? does she influence your personal life or interfere in it? Whats her role in your personal life?
Do get back to me.
Take Care
Best Regards
Dr T Shobha Deepak


I will answer your questions in the last part of your response. I am sorry if you find it too much descriptive and lengthy.
My husband also is in the same unit where me and my friend work. Actually I am over all in charge, my husband looks after website section. My husband also is over possessive I think. He was comfortable in the beginning [of my closeness to my friend in the office]. As she is 20 years younger to us, she was treated as our daughter. But after 3-4 years, I do not know why but he developed dislike for her which was expressed in small matters. We both friends have lot of similarity in thoughts, taste, work, systematic planning, food, fun and so on. This made our teamwork so perfect that it was seen as a good example.
He took it as, I being over powered by her, which was not true. Yes, because of the harmony of thoughts, planning and patterns in work, everything matched even if we word on separate matters. He thought that I follow her instructions, I speak what she makes me speak, I take decisions what she dictates. At this juncture she had only 3-4 years of working with our unit. I was so happy to have such an assistant.
He started showing open resistance which she took widely and pushed me more towards him. I was unhappy as he was wrong in his thoughts, impressions, conclusions and expressions. If I submit to him he will think, its because I am afraid or am wrong. Still, I tried to established harmony around. He even insisted that I should leave working 'around' her and change my table to his section [in other building where he works, opposite to my office] I opposed and refused, firstly, I decide everything, I do not have to obey his decision and for what should I change my place, just because he does not like my working with her? My refusal and non acceptance of his suggestion/compulsion drove him to conclude, she dectated me to speak so. I was shocked to hear that. In good moods I told him that look, I am at her mother's age, I have experience of life, I have my intelligence to judge things and I have lived/worked till her entry in the unit, the same way as I do today. Does he think I am ignorant that I need anyone's opinion to run my unit? that too a new comer? Well, later he expressed in a very wild manner in front of us, insulted me which broke her within. She lost the respect and concern for him. She never forgot for a moment how in insulted and threatened me in her presence, in the office. Such person cannot be in her diary of life at all. She developed tremendous dislike for him, disagreement to whatever he does in the department.Whatever he talked in his section came to our ears which saddened me. It never stopped till date. Now he is sick and advised not to attend the demanding work. But his almost null involvement in work did not relieve her. She is the result of all his misbehaviour, loose talk about her, insults to me etc. The frustration took its toll.
She never dominated my personal life, except for expressing her sadness about the insults I faced. She always tried to comfort me by amusing me when I am sad, even doing urgent shopping for home, caring for our relatives when they visit us, at times provide some food so that after office I have less trouble in cooking. He appreciated her cooking but at our dinning table only. He never thanked her next day or ever appreciated her help which saved a lot of trouble to us.
She stopped coming to my home, visiting my relatives at my place, avoiding any gathering at my place. I miss her and feel her absence. He did not care for it.
In last 4-5 years she has developed into what I reported as a problem. As she advanced in work, I allowed her to take some responsibilities. I supported her as she was right and he being wrong whenever he confronted us. I played risk in supporting her but I cannot but support the right against wrong at my work place. I overlooked her overdoes for this reason, overlooked her criticism about him as she was true and I cannot defend him, though he is my husband. She is aware of my sympathy for her. Well, in spite of all this, at home we lived a good life.. yes with no mention of points of disharmony.
My shortcoming made me cripple, made her more powerful. The result is what she is today. What tiny matter will flare up violently is unpredictable. Even while I am interacting with you, I faced severe reactions twice and later she tried to soothe me with heart full of apology.
As I mentioned earlier, he is totally down with Auto Immune Encephalitis and I am afraid she shows the same behavioral pattern which he did all these years. In fact, I have two sever situations, at home and at office. At home he is in restful state, not much active and at office she is in unpredictable mood which keeps me in so low profile.
Its too much I feel, there is no end to details. As an expert you can understand my situation also. Thanks again for your help.
Awaiting your reply.
Need of the Hour:Discussing &Opening up completely
Detailed Answer:
Hi,
Thank you for the detailed history. I can completely understand your situation and thoughts. This is quite a situation now. Isn't it? So let's see, what best can we make out of the situation.
Before that just wanted to know few of the details if you can share:
1. Do you have kids?
2. How is your current relationship with your husband?
3. Do you and your friend share the same rapport and closeness currently too like earlier?
4. Will you be able to hold conversations with her openly without hurting or intimidating her?
As you said you are very close to her and share everything with her and also both your thinking frequencies and ideas match. Have you ever tried to speak to your friend/colleague to understand what exactly she might be going through as well?
Since you are very close to her (assuming that currently too you both share the same rapport) I would recommend you to speak to her on this. You both can take out time and speak to each other in a peaceful and calm environment where you both are for yourself with out any disturbance. During this talk ask her leading questions like is there any mental stress or tension to her? Slowly when the conversation picks up do indirectly mention to her that currently you are too having lots of stress. One major stress is that your husband is ill and you do not have a shoulder to lean on. You mention to her that you feel like sharing lots of things with her, but stop thinking that she is under stress because of her rude behaviour at office towards you off recently. She might slowly open up. Initially she might refuse but surely she shall open up to you gradually.
As you know everyone needs support system and shoulders to lean on. Though you know the reason, give your friend few chances to open up and share her thinking and feelings as well. This shall help in 3 ways. 1. Firstly it shall allow her to open up in front of you.
2. You can express that you are hurt and worried because of her behaviour towards you indirectly, without hurting her
3. This shall re establish same old rapport and friendship between you both
Do get back to me with the details and progress. We shall have this discussed and see what can be done at its best without hurting your friends emotions.
Take care.
Best regards,
Dr. T. Shobha Deepak

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