Men make me feel worthless, unloved and ugly. They make me hate myself. I am always on edge, expecting them to do something bad and when they do I feel I deserved it. I am always paranoid men will find other women attractive and I don't feel attractive. I feel fat and ugly. I am a perfectionist, always making sure my hair and makeup is done, I sometimes make myself sick after a big meal so I lose weight. I am happy when I go to the toilet as I feel I am losing calories. I cut out all unhealthy foods and exercise so I can have a nice body for my man, yet I never ever reach a point where I feel sexy to him. If he tells me I am beautiful I get annoyed at him for lying to me. I feel like hiding away. I drink, I have taken drugs in the past. If a man shouts at me I recoil into myself and dwell on it for days or longer. I cry regularly. I plan my meals a week in advance. I fall into depression and then have to take anti depressants.
But when I am single this all disappears. I a single now and although I watch my weight I do not over scrutinise it.