Mentally Depressed. Have Severe Asthma. Want To Commit Suicide. Is There Any Hope?

all of my past tragedies are catching up with me finally. I was raped when I was 12, my family was already in the midst of my brother being institutionalized at a State Mental Hospital after slicing a man;s throat and being diagnosed with schizophrenia . I have three siblings he is the oldest almost 10 years older. My parents were always visiting him so nobody was around to talk to. Also I was afraid to tell anyone for fear of how much more turmoil it would cause. When I was 19 my father was killed in a skydiving accident. I became involved in an physically abusive relationship and than became pregnant. I have severe asthma and was hospitalized for two weeks when I was seven and a half months pregnant and had an abruption and went into DIC. We lost Nicole and I couldn t even go to her funeral. I became more entrenched with drugs and drinking and left my husband. Even though emotionally I didn t detach. Finally I helped my sister get out of KC the town we grew up in when her husband had been diagnosed with AIDS from using dirty needles and was caught robbing a store.My mother a friend and I brought her and her 2 children who were 3 and one and a half to michigan were my mom was living . Eventually she went back to her husband and I decided to stay. I met a man and had two children and married him. When my son was five and my daughter Liz was 3 we were in a car accident while I was driving and my mother was killed. I always rationalized in my own mind that there are so many people who have been through so much worse. My father taught me that you have to be strong. Don t show your weaknesses. You can get through anything, but you know what I can t anymore. I don t sleep. I hurt all the time both physically and emotionally. My asthma hasn t been under control for years. I m always angry not just mad like on the edge. I ve tried to commit suicide twice, obviously not successfully, but it is always in the back of my mind. My family thinks that if you need to see a counselor you re crazy. In fact they actually say that when they are trying to hurt me. My husband has a problem with drinking but won t do anything about it. I ve been on SSI for five years and only make $398 a month because I ve never been able to stay a a job for very long because I become ill. So according to them I really don t do anything to help the family, even though I do all of the housework, cooking etc... My asthma has gotten so bad that I have had to have a port put in because my veins are shot from all of the steroids. I don t know how many times I have heard things are so much better when you re not here. Please help. I don t know how much longer I can hold on!