they say I m crazy, I got another job, they say I have ADD, Bipolar and anxieity, and depression. I went back to work I needed insurance I try hard every day to keep it together but I cant keep my mind from going from one thing to another, I think i m not a good person if I don t do my job perfect I try to keep my attention on one thing then go to the other I cant do it. I blow up at work even thou I try not to I have evil thoughts about the people on my property I m a property manager. I have evil thoughts about the company I work for and the insurance I went to work to get and it still doesn t pay my medical bills because it s mental. I don t think anybody loves me anymore not my family, my husband does sometimes but I cant get my stuff together all I ever wanted in live is to pay my bills people to respect me to have a house of my own and to be somebody. I ve had good jobs and I ve always messed them up one way or the other. I feel like I wasted my entire life no matter how hard I try I never get anywhere in life I m a piece of crap. even when I didn t have a job I was a piece of crap and now I went back to work and im still a piece of crap. I see things I see dead people but they said I was really crazy then and thought I was trying to get my disability so I don t say anything about that anymore I try to ignore it . I see people that aren t here anymore I always have but kept it to myself I didn t want to be thought of as a nut case or different but I do see them they don t bother me but I do get scared at times. I had someone try to pull me out of my bed when I was little my parents told me it was a night mare I know somebody came through the screen door and had my legs pulling me through the bed. but once I said something I stopped talking about it because they said it didn t happen. just like when I worked on the pipeline and had to put up with the some of the men touching me because I wanted to quit but it was good money I never told anybody for seventeen years and when I did I lost my job. but I also was taking metamaphines to loose weight I always had a problem with my weight and was very self conscious of how I looked a friend introduced me to the drug I thought it was okay since a doctor would nt give me diet pills anymore they stopped given them to patients. I was put on them when I was ten years old but I couldn t sleep and they took me off of them until later in my teens my well I want say but she used to beg me to loose weight and I tried so hard to be good I just never was good enough. I did finally loose weight with the help of diet pills and if the doctors would have kept giving them to me then I wouldn t have had to goto the other drugs they said were illegally then I lost my job and I was really a nobody and a fatty. I was called big mama, laird, fatso, u name it when I was growing up all I ever wanted to do was get away and get a job and make a good living on my on and be somebody and I blew that. I ve had other jobs since the pipeline but I never felt it was good enough. Do you think im crazy or do I just feel sorry for myself. I was told once by my cousin when I was younger I never have been little that my parents only wanted one child they wanted to be like my other cousin and have one daughter and I came along and that s why my daddy drank and he and my mama fought and we had to leave home at times cause daddy hit mama or tore the house up cause he was drunk I always thought maybe if I hadn t been born my mama and daddy and sister would have been much happier. I do drink but I don t tell my doctors anymore cause the government said that was why I didn t get my disability but I never wanted a disability check cause I think I can hold a job even though I may have to change jobs more often than I used to cause I blow up, and I just walk out I don t ever want to get fired and be humiliated again I try to stay focus, calm, and do the best I can I don t know what s wrong with me and I don t think any one else does. I almost died a couple of years ago I had a blocked intenstine but I wasn t scared I felt I would go to Heaven even though I know I ve done wrong in my life I ve never hurt anyone in my life if anything I let them take advantage of me by loaning money, the rest was my fault nobody forced me to take the metaphanmien not sure how you spell it I just wanted to do a good job have energy and loose weight. i m problaly just a bad person and it would have been better if I had died when I got real sick I think my life would have been better and I could have helped the people I loved out better I had live insurance and they could have laid me to rest and paid the debits I owed off. Do you think i m crazy I don t know maybe I am but at least I try no matter what my friends have said about me in the past like I changed they didn t know who I was anymore. you see I used to listen to their problems but I never let or talked about mine and when I had no job, and no money than they said they didn t think I was ever he person they thought I was and I didn t understand why they would do that to me like I was a nobody cause I didn t ask them for anything and I tried to work on the side, and anything they ever did for me I paid them back I didn t go crying to them but yet they acted like I was trash and they were still crying and telling me their problems. I guess I am just a nobody and will always be a nobody. IF I HAD MONEY TO SPEND I WOULDNT BE HERE. FORGET ABOUT WHAT I SAID EARLIER AND ABOUT ME. IT S ALL ABOUT MONEY THATS WHAT EVERYBODY WANTS ISNT IT