hello dr, i am 59 yrs old i am disabled now for 17 years. i always worked two jobs before i was disabled i had lots of energy and loved my jobs and was able to pay all my bills and keep roof over my head i did not have anyone to help me if ever i needed it. at 22 i got married and had to still make sure bills were paid i worked at the state house as a secretary. the marriage did not last he did not take care of our home and bills i did it all. i was mentally abused and toward the end pysically abused. all his attention was on drugs and party and loosing job after job. i was terribly traumatized because he was not who i beleived he was as a man when i first married him. so i went into factory work because it was more money than secretarial and went to pyschiatrists to help myself not fall to pieces every day to me from then on was very hard for me to not have the fright and feelin that a bomb was gonna fall on me. my dr. suggested self help books to me and i read and read every one i saw at the libary and practiced to be reborn again as a strong person. l995 i remarried to i thought was a wonderful man and the same happened again cheating mental abuse pysical abuse and i could not have a conversation with him because all he did was yell and terrize me i married a monster. i am separated now and on my own and it feels like i have gone to another planet. it feels so good not to be terrized and abused. i moved out of the state i lived in and back to the state my family lives at least here i have family around. but dr. it is hard finding a good pyschiatrist here so i have no pych. dr. now to give me my medicine. i am bipolar inside of me i feel i can t go anyway i take vey bad panic attacks it comes over me and i freeze and can t run out and at other times i am able to. my head feels so filled up with fright that i can not think and when i am able to try to concentate with all my heart bad thougts come in i try so hard to through it out of my mind. whether i can or not(it stays in my subconsious and come out another time even tho i go to my self help books and also tapes to calm me it does not work i pray to god i read inspirational books and quotes i look into you make life yourself you are the captain of your soul what you do is only my own doing being so depressed. when i was taking my medication i was able to concentrate on what i had to do but nights i feel like the booky man is coming to get me. i am very jumpy and i have a feelin in side like someone is hitting my heart with a hammer. sooner or later i will find a psys. dr, and my day will be much better with my medicine so i do have a primary dr she is nice but doe not want to prescribe me any of the medicine that i take she said the pysc. does it. night time come and i am so panicky can t do nothing i feel like a lump on a log. i have tried herbal medicines from a herbal dr my cousin told me about because i wanted to be physically ok. watch what i eat and i would appreciate any advice from you because maybe you know some thing i can think abou read or whatever to become a smiling person without constant migraine. dr. i thank you in advance for any advice or opinion. thank you again god bless