Dear
Welcome to HCM
We understand your concerns
I went through your details. I can understand your feelings and emotions. But you should realize the reality with the mental disorder concept. The more you worry about your mental disorder (whatever it is) the more it will trouble you. I also understand, how troublesome the problem is. But, there is no alternative so as to manage it.
You were consulting a
psychiatrist for 12 years and just last year you were diagnosed bipolar. that seems to be peculiar. But naming a mental disorder is just for prescribing medicines. Psychologists and therapists approach the mental disorder in a different angle and they provide you with
psychotherapy methods to manage your disorder.
Awareness is the first step to manage your disorder. You should be aware of your symptoms, frequency, type, how it disturbs you, whole pattern of the symptoms etc. once you how and when the symptoms comes, you can easily put diversions. Therefore, as the first step of therapy process, I suggest you to maintain a diary about everything from your thoughts and emotions and behaviors and symptoms. Be systematic.
Continue writing this cognitive diary for a month and then with the diary visit a psychologist and rest of the therapy will be provided by the therapist. Don't worry. Management will be as effective as cure. Smile now.
If you require more of my help in this aspect, please use this URL. http://goo.gl/aYW2pR. Make sure that you include every minute detail possible.
Hope this answers your query. Further clarifications are welcome.
Good luck. Take care.