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Dr. Andrew Rynne
MD
Dr. Andrew Rynne

Family Physician

Exp 50 years

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Wife Has Extra-marital Affair, Decrease In Salary, Going Through Professional And Well As Per Personal Turmoil. How Can I Get My Life On Track?

Hello Doctor, 36 years, married. Me and my wife have been going through a case of infedility from her end. we have had some very troubled times in the last 3 years, however the last 2 years have been most turbulent. Initially when I got to know about my wife s extra marital, I was very disturbed but I tried talking to her and gradually after the feeling sank in, I have tried innumerous times to talk to her. I have been performing well in the sexual sphere of life since we got married, but it never affected us as my wife was very co operative. but of late since the extra marital came to light, I am more keen on performing well that is no. 1, and no. 2 is that I want the relationship that has gone sour to get back on track. The last 2 years have seen me fall from an annual salary of 11lacs to below 7 lacs.She doesn t trust me, love me or consider me an important part of her life anymore, she also is secretive and doesn t reveal what happened or what went wrong, which is proving to be very difficult for me to deal with. On one hand I am dealing with professional loss, on the other sort of a personal loss & on the third front, am a disaster right now in terms of my self confidence & trying too hard to please her emotionally, mentally & physically. I feel I am good for nothing and we have a 5 year old son. I lost my parents at a very early age and have no siblings, my family starts with my wife and ends at my son.My in laws are separated so it s no help either & our s was a love marriage. Kindly advise and help.
Sat, 8 Sep 2012
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Psychologist,  's  Response
Hello,
Thanks for writing in.

Dealing Infidelity is definitely very stressful.It would measure you patience, make you angry and upset.Creates a lot of uncertainty as well.

I totally appreciate the effort you have taken from your side to understand and convince your wife. It looks like you have lost hope in yourself and you marriage.Keep up the faith.

Try to understand where it all went wrong.With that you will be able to figure out probably the exact reason .Confronting your wife ,can to an extend help your wife to open up.You may already be aware of everything but give her confidence by reassuring that nothing would go wrong even after her confrontation.

Look at all the aspects of a marriage right from trust, faith, emotional stability,financial matters.ask her about her expectations in all of these aspects.

If you think your wife is still not ready to open up give her sometime. Blaming would do no good but spoil the relationship all the more.Stay with her throughout but do not question her or try to please/convince her emotionally. With that (mostly)guilt will make her confess everything to you.

Reminding her and yourself about all the good things and positive things like your son,that happened in your entire marriage would also give you and your wife the confidence to gain it all back again.

If you think you and your wife have both equally understood where things have gone wrong(if especially your wife is willing to) start it all over again by forgetting the past.Do not remind her or remind yourself about the infidelity once its over.Forget about it and move on to your future.

As of now take a break! go for a small vacation with your son and your wife(if she is willing to). Carry on with your other responsibilities like work and looking after your son. This will distress you. Joining any of the sports/music or youth clubs will increase your friends circle and encouraging healthy habits like indoor games will you have a better social life which in turn will not make you feel lonely and left out.

Possibly visit a marriage counselor with your wife or for yourself. They will help you deal better with your crisis.

Hope this helps you.
Stay Healthy!
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Wife Has Extra-marital Affair, Decrease In Salary, Going Through Professional And Well As Per Personal Turmoil. How Can I Get My Life On Track?

Hello, Thanks for writing in. Dealing Infidelity is definitely very stressful.It would measure you patience, make you angry and upset.Creates a lot of uncertainty as well. I totally appreciate the effort you have taken from your side to understand and convince your wife. It looks like you have lost hope in yourself and you marriage.Keep up the faith. Try to understand where it all went wrong.With that you will be able to figure out probably the exact reason .Confronting your wife ,can to an extend help your wife to open up.You may already be aware of everything but give her confidence by reassuring that nothing would go wrong even after her confrontation. Look at all the aspects of a marriage right from trust, faith, emotional stability,financial matters.ask her about her expectations in all of these aspects. If you think your wife is still not ready to open up give her sometime. Blaming would do no good but spoil the relationship all the more.Stay with her throughout but do not question her or try to please/convince her emotionally. With that (mostly)guilt will make her confess everything to you. Reminding her and yourself about all the good things and positive things like your son,that happened in your entire marriage would also give you and your wife the confidence to gain it all back again. If you think you and your wife have both equally understood where things have gone wrong(if especially your wife is willing to) start it all over again by forgetting the past.Do not remind her or remind yourself about the infidelity once its over.Forget about it and move on to your future. As of now take a break! go for a small vacation with your son and your wife(if she is willing to). Carry on with your other responsibilities like work and looking after your son. This will distress you. Joining any of the sports/music or youth clubs will increase your friends circle and encouraging healthy habits like indoor games will you have a better social life which in turn will not make you feel lonely and left out. Possibly visit a marriage counselor with your wife or for yourself. They will help you deal better with your crisis. Hope this helps you. Stay Healthy!