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How To Build A Bond With Divorced Parents?
Question: Hi XXXXXXX here. Not sure if you received my last message, but in case you didn't get it I am sending it again.
You asked me to give you information on my parents. I am assuming you mean my biological parents. Having been adopted/fostered age 5 I don't actually know a lot about any of my birth family. I know my parents went on to have a further two children. I also know that Mum found the whole process of giving me up for adoption very emotionally distressing/upsetting.
Though this has not been directly confirmed by either Mum or Dad, I have always believed that when Mum was expecting me she was expecting a able bodied baby and she got a baby with Spina Bifida and would later develop Hydrocephalus.
Whenever I have spoken about how I feel about the way things happened, I have always said that I felt as soon as they found out if they could have further children after me, they did just that. What's more they found out that both XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX were able bodied; they decided to keep them. Even with the doctors at the hospital advising my parents to walk away from me, neither of them (not even Dad fought back on my behalf and said 'We are being asked to walk away from our daughter here; we need to fight this'.
I can understand why Mum didn't do it. She most likely wasn't in the appropriate head space/frame of mind but Dad could have fought on Mum's and my behalf and he chose not to.
I have recently over the past couple of years tracked my biological father down and am attempting with a lot of hard work to build up a bond with him. However I am really struggling to build a bond with him, knowing I feel at least that he didn't fight for me/his daughter. There was I a helpless innocent baby laying in my cot unable to do anything to defend myself and what's more nobody else was defending me either.
I know I said this was going to be a re-send message in case you didn't get the first one; however me being me I got carried away, sorry
You asked me to give you information on my parents. I am assuming you mean my biological parents. Having been adopted/fostered age 5 I don't actually know a lot about any of my birth family. I know my parents went on to have a further two children. I also know that Mum found the whole process of giving me up for adoption very emotionally distressing/upsetting.
Though this has not been directly confirmed by either Mum or Dad, I have always believed that when Mum was expecting me she was expecting a able bodied baby and she got a baby with Spina Bifida and would later develop Hydrocephalus.
Whenever I have spoken about how I feel about the way things happened, I have always said that I felt as soon as they found out if they could have further children after me, they did just that. What's more they found out that both XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX were able bodied; they decided to keep them. Even with the doctors at the hospital advising my parents to walk away from me, neither of them (not even Dad fought back on my behalf and said 'We are being asked to walk away from our daughter here; we need to fight this'.
I can understand why Mum didn't do it. She most likely wasn't in the appropriate head space/frame of mind but Dad could have fought on Mum's and my behalf and he chose not to.
I have recently over the past couple of years tracked my biological father down and am attempting with a lot of hard work to build up a bond with him. However I am really struggling to build a bond with him, knowing I feel at least that he didn't fight for me/his daughter. There was I a helpless innocent baby laying in my cot unable to do anything to defend myself and what's more nobody else was defending me either.
I know I said this was going to be a re-send message in case you didn't get the first one; however me being me I got carried away, sorry
Brief Answer:
Private Consultation
Detailed Answer:
Hello XXXXXXX I answered your question in the other thread. We can have two threads going simultaneously, no problem!
I can't imagine what it would be like to be rejected by your parents like that, for a medical problem that was of course not your fault. And then for them to have other children and keep them, it must feel like a punch to the gut.
In the other thread I asked you to tell me more about your adoptive/foster parents/family. Maybe in this thread we can explore your burgeoning relationship with your biological father. Why did you finally decide to track him down? What is it like interacting with a person who, as you say quite eloquently, failed to defend you when you were a baby?
Never apologize, this is a safe space where you can say as much as you want and anything you want, no judgement from me.
Dr. Sheppe
Private Consultation
Detailed Answer:
Hello XXXXXXX I answered your question in the other thread. We can have two threads going simultaneously, no problem!
I can't imagine what it would be like to be rejected by your parents like that, for a medical problem that was of course not your fault. And then for them to have other children and keep them, it must feel like a punch to the gut.
In the other thread I asked you to tell me more about your adoptive/foster parents/family. Maybe in this thread we can explore your burgeoning relationship with your biological father. Why did you finally decide to track him down? What is it like interacting with a person who, as you say quite eloquently, failed to defend you when you were a baby?
Never apologize, this is a safe space where you can say as much as you want and anything you want, no judgement from me.
Dr. Sheppe
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Arnab Banerjee
As stated previously I was taken on by my adoptive parents age 5. Nine years later, my adoptive Dad took myself/Mum and my adoptive sister on a round the world trip/holiday. When we got back he came into both mine and my sister's bedrooms individually and told us that he was leaving the family home the next day He actually lied about this, because as I lay awake when I got into bed that night I heard him leave the home as my bedroom was outside the front door to the house. I spent the proceeding 9 years seeing him come and go when he came to visit us as he called it and came over take to my adoptive sister to various clubs she belonged to at the time.
I learnt after he left that in his words he left the family home for me, as he was aware that my bond with my adoptive bother was fragile/abusive, he said he wanted to get me out of the house and away from her. If he wanted to take me with him, why didn't he do it the same day he left? All he actually did by leaving the family home was made the situation between my adoptive mother and I even worse, if that was possible.
She blamed me for things I hadn't done such s stealing things from around the house that went missing. Blamed me for the break up of her and my adoptive Dad's marriage. telling me that I was faking tears when she told me that my Gran on her side of the family passed away. Made me sit on the bedroom floor for hours with my meal on my lap because I wasn't hungry to eat it. Punished me every time I forgot to take my medication. Made me hand wash clothes that I urine leaked on. They are just some of the things that happened during the time I was with her, and yet somehow she was deemed fit by social services to take me on permanently and care for me; abuse me more like.
I learnt after he left that in his words he left the family home for me, as he was aware that my bond with my adoptive bother was fragile/abusive, he said he wanted to get me out of the house and away from her. If he wanted to take me with him, why didn't he do it the same day he left? All he actually did by leaving the family home was made the situation between my adoptive mother and I even worse, if that was possible.
She blamed me for things I hadn't done such s stealing things from around the house that went missing. Blamed me for the break up of her and my adoptive Dad's marriage. telling me that I was faking tears when she told me that my Gran on her side of the family passed away. Made me sit on the bedroom floor for hours with my meal on my lap because I wasn't hungry to eat it. Punished me every time I forgot to take my medication. Made me hand wash clothes that I urine leaked on. They are just some of the things that happened during the time I was with her, and yet somehow she was deemed fit by social services to take me on permanently and care for me; abuse me more like.
Brief Answer:
Private Followup
Detailed Answer:
You've very clearly been through a tremendous amount of pain. What your adoptive father did in terms of leaving the family was clearly selfish, that is in his own best interest, rather than anything having to do with you, and constitutes abandonment in your mind I'm sure. What's worse is he left you in a household where your mother emotionally and psychologically abused you.
It is no wonder or XXXXXXX to me at all that you have deep-seated fears of abandonment, difficulty with relationships, and problems trusting people. These all stem from very real experiences of these terrible things in your childhood.
What are your thoughts about how these early experiences inform how you interact with people today?
Dr. Sheppe
Private Followup
Detailed Answer:
You've very clearly been through a tremendous amount of pain. What your adoptive father did in terms of leaving the family was clearly selfish, that is in his own best interest, rather than anything having to do with you, and constitutes abandonment in your mind I'm sure. What's worse is he left you in a household where your mother emotionally and psychologically abused you.
It is no wonder or XXXXXXX to me at all that you have deep-seated fears of abandonment, difficulty with relationships, and problems trusting people. These all stem from very real experiences of these terrible things in your childhood.
What are your thoughts about how these early experiences inform how you interact with people today?
Dr. Sheppe
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Arnab Banerjee
Every intimate relationship I get into is rocky at best. One minute I trust the guy I am with, the next my head makes me feel like I'm not sure I do or can. I am always timing how long it takes for guys to get fed up stay with me and break up with me. There doesn't seem to be anything they can say that convinces me that they will not leave me.
I have been with the guy I am with now for 15 years and I am STILL anxious that he will one day leave! It frustrates the hell out of me. I should be able to trust him by now. I always think people are going to leave me to be with someone with less emotional baggage than me, to be with someone they think deserves me better than me, (I know it sounds so stupid).
I have been with the guy I am with now for 15 years and I am STILL anxious that he will one day leave! It frustrates the hell out of me. I should be able to trust him by now. I always think people are going to leave me to be with someone with less emotional baggage than me, to be with someone they think deserves me better than me, (I know it sounds so stupid).
Brief Answer:
Private Followup
Detailed Answer:
It doesn't sound stupid at all. Your early and formative life experiences all involved people you loved leaving you through no fault of your own. Your subsequent habits reflect a fear of being abandoned and left alone again. This makes sense to me. It sounds like you may not have the best view of yourself, or are worried you are not valuable. Do you think you have value? What makes you unique and special as a person?
Dr. Sheppe
Private Followup
Detailed Answer:
It doesn't sound stupid at all. Your early and formative life experiences all involved people you loved leaving you through no fault of your own. Your subsequent habits reflect a fear of being abandoned and left alone again. This makes sense to me. It sounds like you may not have the best view of yourself, or are worried you are not valuable. Do you think you have value? What makes you unique and special as a person?
Dr. Sheppe
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Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Arnab Banerjee
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