Question: i am okay right now, but later today, i may become so very depressed. i do not understand why my ssri and risperdal do not work to help me be happy. i walk daily. i exercise with weight 3x a week. i used to be very creative, but cannot seem to connect with actually doing anything.......is this my depression still controlling me or have i just given up sort of? i began meds at 32. since 1999, i have had a big voice, XXXXXXX who talks to me all the time now. i thought he would be a cure, but it hasn't worked out, so to speak. i just have to live like this, don't i?

these are answers to your request for clarification: 1,2,3,4. my diagnosis is schizophrenia, since 1988. the voices are more like impressions or intrusive thoughts, or at least they were back then. "charles" took over in 1999. he is a very clear thought or impression and makes himself very known. he is NOT ME. i was taking haldol in 1988 but could not tolerate the side effects...then trilifon, but still horrible side effects and breakthrough episodes of voices wanting me to kill myself or call people that i hardly knew and ask them why they had been tampering with my mind and my health....then, moban, 1991 - 1996 and attivan.....then, in 1996, risperdal...and finally, paxil.....stayed there until about 1997 or 1998, trying different antidepressants and xyprexa....and depakote. i have never been brave enough to take lithium (would it work anyways?) i "got charles" in april, 1999. i was doing some letter writing to my doctor as therapy for some sexual abuse as a child. i prayed to God for strength, and got XXXXXXX and lost my husband of 24 years to divorce. my son got on drugs about 2 years later. yes, it is very hellish...... we had a daughter who was born and died the year before i first started hearing voices. i thought they were trying to tell me something about her....that she was safe with God....something reassuring, you know. i have had hallucinations...seen angels, i guess....i have seen "charles" in passing.....my delusion is that my ex-husband did all of this to me because he wanted other women. he used to tell me so in bed. i have done the work here. i still have XXXXXXX though. sometimes, he helps me stay "up". sometimes, he's just there when i crash and get so very down that i don't think i want to fight anymore to stay alive. this is all so very pitiful. i apologize. i lost my job last september for no reason. it wasn't even a good job, but i had food and auto insurance. i could send my son $25 now and then. he takes methadone right now but mixes it with other pills. i can tell when he calls that he's not healthy....but...he is still living. i smoked pot probably three times throughout my college years. i do not take drugs. i do like a wine buzz about twice a month. it seems to help clear the garbage out of my mind. please forgive me for trying to find a way to live this strange life i have. it is difficult being so different from everyone, having XXXXXXX i mean. here, in XXXXXXX they tell me he will "go away" if i ask Jesus to send him away. XXXXXXX is jewish, though. he tells me this all the time! currently, i am taking .5mg of my risperidone and 10mg of my citalopram. i hate being sedated. i am a college graduate with a bright mind, or at least i was at one time. i do not know how to live like this, except that i am doing it. i am not happy. i know the meds can only do so much, but also can wreck your health in other ways.....so, i try to get by on as little as possible. yesterday, i was thinking about fish oil again. like maybe 10mg or so a day would help this depressed cloud. am i doing as well as i can? is there some resource i am missing here? i know of no other human being who has a "charles" or how they exist or pay bills or have friends!!!