I have been dealing with depression and anxiety depression for a long time but never really acknowledged i had this problem till recently. i think i may have a personalty disorder but not sure if this is just me over thinking this. sorry for the spelling and grammar errors i am terrible at writing. when around people i dont know in a social setting i feel like people are judging my every move this makes me overthink everything i say always thinking about how i am coming across to the other person when im with my friends it not as much of a problem and i can talk without thinking about what im gonna say first i do have a good amount of friend i would consider close but all of them are either friend form early childhood or people who became friends with my friend and over time i become more conformable around them. every other friend i have made is either someone who lives close to me in my dorm or people who where in the same reasorce room classes as me throught hs i am not able to talk about my feeling or anything intimate with anyone and freeze up when i do. i cant let other people know that there criticism bothered me even if i agree with it i will continue to ignore it so they dont think i care about there opinion i cant say i love u to anyone including parents and feel very unconformable when people show feeling for me like hug. i am very unorganized and cant plan for future like what major i want to do. i cant even begin to think about a realistic future for my self and dont understand how people know what they want to do for the rest of there lives i am not sure i care about anyone else. when my grandfather was hospitalized my parent txted me and my brothers and they immediately responded with sadness and question and all i was thinking about was how to respond without seeming weird. i dont think i even cared same thing when my dog was hit by care my whole family was either crying or very angry but i was just annoyed that i was missing a prior plan i had. went fair away to college and do not miss anyone and get annoyed when friend and family message or call me. when i went home for thanksgiving though i felt the same way about my new friend here i very often think about either having some type of special power or just having power in general. this is the only time i actually can think about the future. i feel like everyone else is naive and biased and i have very unique political/societal views. i feel like people just dont care about facts it annoys me how people worry so much about everything i feel like things will always work there way out. i make dections in the moment knowing that it will make thing harder latter i just dont care. (i do have adhd which i know probaly reason for this) while somtimes i will get really imitated and snap on someone real quick. with that said its not to often and that the only time i really get mad. i smoke weed and drive alot. i was caught by the cops and told my self i would never drive with weed in car again. a couple day latter i was driving with weed in car. i did take the blaim for the arrest sparing my friend. with that said when i did take blaim the only thing going through my head was how he was going to owe me big time. i really did not care about the arrest i just did not want to talk about it with parent because i hate when people act like i did something wrong. i always have hated authority since i was kid. while i feel like a show a lot of signs of aspd i also feel like i dont act like people with the disorder. people for the most part will tell you im very polite and kind person. i never try to personally hurt anyone physically or emotionally and while im not sure if my attentions are moral i do think i am a kinder person then most. i just dont like being told what to do or judged so i dont judge or tell other people what to do unless they are doing so to me. i think if you are good to other people they will be good to you. not sure if this is important at all but on iq test i scored in 99 percentile in similarities and 91 in matrix reasoning but 34 in written expression also i tell small lies alot that normally cant be verified not so to impress people but to avoid admitting things that embaress me i also talk about how much smarter a am then everyone else in a very sarcastic and joking around way but i do believe it. i also claim to be god or the messiah which i dont bealive i just say in a sarcastic way and have for years. and i argue alot with people not out of anger allthough it does annoy people sometime. i just enjoy debating things with people and if someone comes up with good evidence of why i am wrong i will eventually admit i am wrong.( dont feel like im wrong often though)