Hello, I read your problem in detail and understood the severity of the issue as well. I would recommend you some basic management based on psychotherapy but at the same time you will need medications to relax. Having suicidal thoughts itself represents the issue is grave. I recommend SSRI normally to my patients in order to treat depressive episodes. Please don’t panic and try to relieve yourself by sharing your inner feelings with someone who can understand you and if it is not possible then try other ways which I can recommend you if you can tell me what makes you feel sad and disappointed, which suicidal thoughts normally you have? Whether you attempted suicide or not? How are your day routine, sleep pattern, and appetite as well. Otherwise, you can consult a psychiatrist in your area to help you start your treatment as soon as possible. I hope you will try to manage your symptoms as soon as possible because your symptoms are already worsening and require management. Hope I have answered your query. Let me know if I can assist you further. Regards, Dr. Maryum