I dream and daydream of killing the thing I love most. My dog...I think about killing myself too. I abuse drugs and I hurt myself sometimes. I haven't in a while. Years actually but I fantasize every day. I would have a bottle right now the way I'm feeling but I'm so fucking broke. I Don't know what to do. I am at work on Time every day. I work 40 hrs a week as a master grill op. I make it but my mind it is so wrong. When I'm in front of people I put on this great charade. I laugh, I play, I engage in conversation. I'm usually the one to start it. There's so much more. You know Why I like to drink so much? It's because I can get so fucked up I can't remember a thing. And when I try to I can't. It's like complete blackness. Just this amazing moment of silence where I can't remember a fucking thing. No pain, no feeling, no regret. It's like my black little heaven. Now how fucked up is that?