I suffer from PTSD, for almost 15 years. I got treatment and counselling and tried my best to move on with my life for the sake of my child. For ten years I lived a good life in Canada, great job, a house, a car, and financially independent. I had a beautiful son but no other family. We travelled around the world and had many good friends. Then I met my husband, we have been married for almost 5 years and have a disable child together. I never told anything that happened to me, and made it clear to my husband that we will not discuss my past, and he said he doesn't care. One day he asked me and I told him a little bit about my past and about the treatment I received for PTSD ten years ago. I requested never to mention it again, I wanted to forget about it and find happiness. My husband is extremely controlling, he reminds me about my past whenever we got into fight. For him I moved to US, left everything I built behind in Canada. For the past 5 years I've no friends, no job, and no family. I took care of my 2 children but things got worse. In the beginning I used to hide or walk away from a fight, he would call me names, remind me of my past and point a finger and say, "you effing PTSD!" He told all his friends and family about "my story" and PTSD. I held strong for a few years but then I started to fight back. He recorded our fights and hired an attorney. I was told I would lose my children if I tried to fight in court. He would say something to hurt me and record my hysteria. I know if I take him to the court, I'll lose my kids now. I've fallen into a deep hole and can't seem to tell right from wrong. I never got angry before meeting my husband, now I get really angry easily. To dull my mind I started using pills and sleep aids. My husband documented everything I've done in past few months and I feel like a complete lunatic. I cannot escape from my situation or my own self. I can sit for hours while children are at school and stare at nothing. I wish a hole will appear and suck me in. I can't sleep or eat anything. My husband sleeps in a different bedroom for almost 4 years. I've lost all interest in life and things I used to love. My husband didn't allow me to go anywhere and now I'm afraid to go out. I refused to believe that I was being abused even though every day I was told how worthless I really am. Now I feel I've become the abuser, I want to be left alone but my husband constantly criticizes me which leads to fights where I lose all control. I don't think there's any hope for me, I've given up on myself, but I want to see my both sons get the best education...so I do what my husband asks. I tried to seek help from domestic violence but my husband holds all the cards. I feel betrayed and helpless. What can I do to just function enough to raise my boys? I cannot leave the house unless I'm taking my kids to school and other appointments. I don't even want to do that anymore. I stay in bed all day long then pick my kids up, feed them, and that's becoming too much for me. I just want to sleep and never want to wake up. I don't like going out and I am afraid of people. There's so much more that I cannot write. The only reason I do not kill myself, I am afraid my kids will suffer the same abuse I did. I tell myself why should I care, I am empty inside, I have nothing to give. I feel nothing, I want nothing but for some reason I am keep clinging to life until my kids are old enough to be self efficient, but with my younger son's disability that hope is gone too. I don't know anybody can help me now, I'm beyond the point of saving myself...but I still don't die.