I think I have anxiety but I am really scared that it might be worse.

It's a fairly long story.

I am a 22 year old male. I have just graduated from university but I do not have a job, I have struggled to get any attention from employers as my degree is quite specialist - audio and music technology, and so I get money from my parents and from benefits to live (from September 2015, before that I had a student loan).

A year ago (July 2014) I had a car accident, I was rear ended at a roundabout and after it happened I feel like I had depression. I felt like a failure, I cried about it regularly, drunk alcohol alone (spirits and beers/ciders) and went on walks whenever I felt sad about it. I didn't tell my housemates about where I went or why, as usually I would go late at night when people were asleep, so they wouldn't know. It was around this time I started smoking fairly regularly. I had smoked before, but it wasn't as regular and it was never cigarettes, it was usually cannabis mixed with tobacco. I started that just after starting university, early 2012. I stopped after a while during that time just because I wanted too, not because I had any health concerns (probably around 6 months). I would very occasionally smoke after that, but it was very very rare. Over the course of the year 2014, I got over the car accident and started feeling better, but in early 2015 I began smoking again, regular cigarettes that increased in number as time went on. I also began smoking weed again because my friends did, although it was only about once a week.

In June 2015 I was recording a band (this is my hobby), and it was the first time recording a band that wasn't my own. This had been on my mind up until that point as I thought that I would have to work in a new environment with equipment I didn't know, and with nobody there to help me. The session actually went fine, we got it all done and there was somebody to help who worked there. We had trouble getting the songs onto a drive for me to use, and I was going to be staying with a friend of mine, but it was getting late and I had started to worry about it not transferring in time (I didn't want to keep my friend awake because he had work the next day) - which of course it didn't. I got it sorted with the engineer who worked there of how I could easily get the recordings to me remotely, I've got quite a lot of recording experience and had encountered the problem and knew how to solve it. I went back to my friends house after I finished, and we both smoked some weed because we had both had stressful days.

I had my first full blown panic attack that night which had heart palpitations, fading in and out of consciousness, muscle tension, trembling and thoughts that I was going to die because I had been smoking. It lasted about ten minutes and once it was over I felt in shock for the rest of the night. When I woke the next morning I was scared to talk to my friend because I was embarrassed about what had happened, and I felt weak (he witnessed my attack). After that happened I kept smoking because I was stressed and I was addicted to nicotine. A few weeks passed and I felt fine, I then had another recording session with the same band. Everything went fine, and I shared a joint with the band. I started feeling scared and I had a bit of dizziness but I calmed down.

I hadn't had any experiences of panic attacks since then, until I moved into my new house, where I began smoking weed almost daily (since September 2015). I didn't have any bad reactions so I kept doing it, my friends lived with me and so we did it together.

It's now December 2015, and during this month I have begun having constant thoughts about my health, thoughts which ultimately draw to the same conclusion that I think I have destroyed my health from smoking, and how I feel like I am dying or am going to die very soon. I have had pains in my upper body, mainly tenderness in my chest muscles and bones, and pain underneath my arms, it alternates between the left and right and it feels bruised. All of these pains alternate with each other so it's not just one source, but the pain is not agonising, it is a dull ache but it concerns me.

My symptoms right now are;
- racing thoughts about the pains in my upper body
- racing thoughts about my death and the discovery of my body, paired with how the news of my death will travel to my friends and family (this makes me so upset that I sometimes cry)
- lump in my throat, like I'm about to cry, the more intense the worrying the more I feel like crying
- I sweat much more than I have done, under my arms, on my hands and behind my neck
- insomnia (I am kept awake from these thoughts)
- mini panic attacks that don't develop to full scale but are similar in mental intensity
- I wake up at night feeling like I can't breathe (I am unsure if this one is a dream or reality, it has happened more than once but both times it has been while I'm asleep)
- occasional memory loss
- nausea, I still have an appetite but I can't eat a large amount of food. A week ago I went out for dinner, over-ate, and vomited. Since then I am scared of over eating to the point where I feel sick in my stomach at the thought of eating large meals.

The thoughts only used to be occasionally but they have been getting much more regular, where I am experiencing any one of these symptoms every day. I have wanted to quit smoking for months but have only started not having cigarettes this week as I am away with my family, and I don't want to smoke around them or smell like smoke as I depend on them and feel that if they knew about it they would cut me off financially, and if that happened I believe I would end up homeless.

I feel so stupid for ever smoking anything, and right now I feel as though everything is hitting me at the same time and I don't think I am coping. If I were to die now I would ultimately feel like it would be deserved because of my carelessness and stupidity.

I don't want to die but I am so scared that it is going to happen that I haven't been to a doctor or told anyone how I have been feeling. I have been too afraid to go to a doctor because I feel like I will be told all my worst fears are coming true. I have even acted out situations in my head of how the visit would go, where I explain my fears and symptoms, but instead of being told bad news I am told that I am fine. This worries me as I am inventing this situation where I am told I am okay, but it terrifies me even more because if I went for real I don't think I would have the same conversation.

Thank you for reading this.

Finn