My name is Tasha and I'm 17. Ive had this reoccurring problem for a long time where I continually wish that bad things would happen to me. I lived with my mother until right before I turned 15. Growing up my mom had been very physically, mentally, and verbally abuse towards me. My mother was also very paranoid and used to always think people were following her and would often start randomly shouting up at people who were just sitting on their balcony at our apartment complex. My mother was also bi-polar and depressed and sometimes would stay in bed all day and wouldn't talk to me or take care of me for a few days. As I've gotten older I have gone through series of self harm and depression and I've had these reoccurring wishes of bad things happening to me. Extremely bad things. My main problem most recently is that I've wanted to be raped, and that's been one of the things Ive wished that would happen to me. I even have felt almost things like envy when I hear about stories where it happened to other people. But lately I developed what feels like an anxiety of rape, not due to anything happening to me though, and it's gotten to a point where I'm scared to go outside, or I get panicky or nervous when I'm alone or when there is men around, and all I can think about is rape and it's gotten to a point where even just hearing the word is triggering. Yet despite all of this there is still the other part of me that still wishes it would happen, now at a completely enhanced desire. This conflict in my mind has completely consumed me and I feel scared, panicked, depressed, confused, and helpless. It's all I can seem to think about now. I feel claustrophobic and trapped in my body, and my mind. I know I've had a desire for bad things to happen to me since I was little and as I've gotten older it's only gotten more and more conscious and upfront. The only time in my life that I think is the closest to sexual abuse I've ever gotten is when I was about six to seven and i had a friend that was a few years older and they and sometimes their 14 year old sister would take me to their computer and would turn on porn and would make me watch with them, and then my friend would always make me take naked showers and baths with them. Most of all I just want to know what going on with me and why, and I just really need someone to help, my father doesn't believe in therapy and I can't explain this to anybody