Hello! I am writing hoping you could help or give some insight, I am feeling completely emotionally numb and it is driving me to despair and making me feel suicidal. It all started about a week or more, when I realized my 30th birthday is nearing and instead of feeling joy or indifference, I felt it was a reminder that I had failed to achieve what I wanted in life and my shortcomings. I have a boyfriend and he is wonderful. And even though I was happy to receive gifts from him in the past, now his asking what should he get me, only made me feel stressed. I have my own business, which is not going as well as I d want and it was also a stressing factor, but this was present before for almost a year. As I thought with dissatisfaction that I had failed to achieve what I wanted, I started to feel an intense depression and incredible anger for a couple days and after started to feel detached from everyone and my feelings lessened. Then I started to feel terror and anxiety and then I went completely numb. I was left emotionless towards all the people around me, including family and boyfriend. I felt that if my mother would die, I wouldn t care. This is not me, as I would normally feel devastated about this. However, what is affecting me the most is being unable to feel the feelings of love towards my boyfriend and it makes me feel suicidal. I feel like they are there, but can t reach them. Or I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me and makes me feel they are lacking when they are not. This is the best relationship I ve ever had and he is treating me wonderfully. My boyfriend also insisted a couple weeks ago we should move in together and even though I love him, and I want to be near him (we live in different towns), the idea of making a change this big in my life made me somewhat panic, but I did not want to disappoint him by letting him know of my panic. He has done nothing wrong, but years ago I was in a very abusive relationship which let me unable to have relationships (too scared) for the next 5 years. This is my first boyfriend after this huge break. When it comes to my past relationship, I left everything I had built to be with that guy, and things went very bad and he became abusive and I lost everything I had gained, turned into an emotional wreck and almost lost my life (ex tried to kill me). When my new boyfriend was proposing we should move in, I started to feel some panic, as I was reminded about what had happened in my previous one. I do feel that my current state is anxiety driven. I am at a loss and don t know what to do. Even though I am not feeling my feelings, I don t want to lose my boyfriend, he is so important to me! I feel lots of anxiety because it seems I can t get back to my normal self. And I obsess over every single details of what could have made me numb, although the trigger was probably me turning 30. Because even if my boyfriend proposed moving in and I would sort of panic, it did not change my feelings for him. I am obsessing over all sorts of questions, as well. Did the fear of change made me go numb? Was it too much stress? Did I project my anxiety about turning 30 onto him? Etc. I had one session with a therapist here, but it did not help much at all. Unfortunately where I live, this field is not as developed and therapists can be superficial. I have a history of anxiety, panic attacks, depression, was left with PTSD from my previous relationship but feel I am not fully healed. However, as I said, I haven t really found a good therapist / psychiatrist. I feel terrible guilt and anxiety when my boyfriend tells me he loves me and I know I should feel it, I have the impression it is there, but I am unable to feel it. It makes me feel bad and undeserving of him. One week and half ago I was full of loving feelings for him and very in love, and now I am numb and I m scared this is how I will continue to be, towards him and others, but it is killing me that I feel that way towards him. Even before this, I felt for years anxiety, but in the past year, anxiety and ruminating about all sorts of thoughts that would cause me anxiety, unable to concentrate, panic attacks, feeling terror, intense head aches that won t go away with medication, neck aches, back aches, low mood but also agitated, not seeing meaning in life, not finding any pleasure, avoiding people, activities, irritable, dizziness, a couple depersonalization episodes, trembling muscles in hands, weak muscles. At one point I was obsessed my boyfriend does not love me and is cheating, insomnia and nightmares about this (I was cheated on by previous abusive ex), that are not rooted in reality. I am thankful my boyfriend is very loving and patient and understands me, but I feel bad I may be too much for him, even if he assures me I am not.