I had back surgery that was really pretty painful. Normally pain is commonplace in my life. I live with pain from arthritis, spondylitis, migraine, degenerating joints, diverticulitis, chronic earache, gout, several spasmodic conditions and more. Such is my life and I am ok with it. I do not want sympathy or commiseration. It just is what it is. Over the years, doctors have tried all sorts of combinations and concoctions to alleviate the pain, but no drug or combination has had a satisfactory effect ... Including the combos that knocked me unconscious for s few days. I live with the pain and adapt as well as I can. Pain is part of my life every day, and while I truly long to experience being pain free (if even for a little while) it is obviously not meant to be. Pain just is. Now for my problem. After my back surgery, the particular post surgical pain was apparently causing a spinal deformity that was threatening my recovery. Because of this, the PAs and nurses and whoever else was around decided that I needed pain meds in order to heal. I am not sure of all the drugs that they shot into my IV, but I know there was dilaudid and gabapentin and prednisone and morphine sulf er and diazepam among others. I don t know how much pain it handled. I felt REALLY crappy, sick, and I wanted that horrible feeling to stop. So I refused any more pain meds. The localized pain in my back was treated with ice and heat and acupressure and became somewhat manageable ...pretty much like my daily life. I think thr real problem happened when I stopped taking diazepam . In my long life, I have rarely been so deeply depressed. I keep thinking the best answer would be to put a bullet in my brain. Simple, easy, over. I just keep thinking that maybe this feeling is from the Valium. Is that possible? I hope so.