Hello , You seems to be suffering from probably vaginismus which is one of the cause of dyspareunia(painful intercourse). If it is vaginismus your psychological evaluation should be done to reduce anxiety and stress as it is contraction of vaginal muscle just before intercourse.Kegel exercise can be helpful, ask your docotr about that. Now your answer, 1. lidocain and lignocaine are the same thing, name are different.So it is not even substitute, your chemist have given right thing. 2. For psychological relief two things, I would like to suggest., As you love both each other and there is only remaining thing is sexual dissatisfaction, you can both help to each other during masturbation until your sex problem solved. Another thing just consult psychiatrist which not only help you to feel psychological better but may help you to get rid of your painful intercourse as normally psychiatrist are the only qualified sexologist. 3.Dilators comes in different size. Start from smaller diameter , gradually increase size of diameter. You can use until you can insert two fingers without pain in your vagina.Go slowly and use daily until your problem solved. Thanks for using healthcaremagic. Hope I have answered your query satisfactorily. Regards, Dr.Chintan Solanki