Suggest Ways To Confront Suspicious Behavior And Paranoia

Question: I fell in love with a paranoid schizophrenic widower two years ago.We saw each other every day.We are both in our sixties and have been married twice. At the time he was talking a lot about a satanist woman and my mother was actually a satanist so I thought that that was what it was...a few months into our interactions in which he came to me I thought because he liked me but also wanted help with this woman who was tormenting him he told me and my son that he never thought he could love anyone more than his dead wife until he met me...for the last ten months i have been talking to another psychiatrist and thought that I would try someone else. When I went into the hospital he started blaming himself and said that I needed to stay away from him because something bad would happen to him like me dying like his wife did or his parents did or his step son did...please don't tell me to forget about him its bgeen two years and I have tried to kill myself five or more times due to this man..he loved me the way I am and is a genuinely loving Jewish Christian like I am. I spend long lonely days without him now because suddently he decided that i was obsessed with him when it was the other way around although i am deeply in love with him and yes i guess obsessed..In February I emailed him that I missed him terribly and that i had taken a bottle of pills because I couldn't live without him...he filed an injunction of harassment against me that was upheld and I feel so sad and bewildered. I know that the real XXXXXXX is in there somewhere but until February I cannot have anyting to do with him even through friends or other family. He has no one else to care for him and als he told me in May of 2014 he was hearing entities telling him it was his job to kill people. Can you help me? When I met him i didn't want a relationship but he came in and stole both my son's and my hearts and now he filed this injunction that was upheld. The first one was dismissed but I guess he was always afraid that I would kill myself. I wasn't but now that two years almost have gone by I don't think there is anything to live for...I live alone now and am ill and just so sad I keep wishing for the pillls to kill myself..will he ever come back? Will he just keep filing injunctions? What happens when the year is up? He did see us in March in court because i filed one on him and he seemed to not even understand why he couldn't talk to me,,,but when i apppealed he hired an lawyer as he was afraid he would be put in the hospital..I cannot forget the times he came over funny and smart and so guileless not malicious at all. kinder tomy son than my son's dad is...I am always on the verge of killing myself...I will be 67 and he will be 65

I have been talking to dr XXXX from XXXXXXX and he is a really good man but i need two of you and i think you are the one..you are like him kind and all. I hope you are not just telling me what i want to here. the us psychiatrists seem to think i should just forget him...they do not understand that even though we are in our sixties neither of us ever really truly were in love to this degree...he loved everything about me even my jewish hook nose well he is french ukrainian and i am irish jew. We both love God at the same level and that was our connecting point. Dr XXXX said and XXXXXXX told me that something bad would happen if he stayed with me but something bad has happened because he isn't here...i was never suicidal like this except through the flashbacks from childhood abuse which ended nearly 30 years ago..and that wasn't even this bad...we are both alone now and it is so sad...my son sad that he knew that XXXXXXX loved me he said more than his wife which he didn't think was possible she died four years ago...I breached the restraining order two weeks ago by emailing him but he had blocked it...I don't understand the illness...Dr XXXX kept saying he has no insight but what does that mean exactly? He filed the injunction on me only when I told him that I was so sad that his self fullfilling prophecy had come true that last year I tried to kill myself...I was so desperate to get a response out of him after all of this time...my son was weeping because he called him a stalker when we had been through Christmas and Thanksgiving together and I thought we were going to get married and move to Israel....but instead he filed an injunction and the appeals court upheld it because according to the law they cannot take new evidence and as I was not allowed to make a case for his mental illness in the lower court Judge Goldstein couldn't have it dismissed on that grounds. But I am afraid for him and of him both. If I try to email him again which I did and he could legally have had the police haul me to jail for that...its a real cruel law...we were romantically involved not sexually....it was way much more than that a very deep emotional and spiritual connection...we both love Yshua Ha Machiach so very much and that was our main connection..I never met anyone who loved me so guilelessly and openly everything about me and then this tragedy....I have no one to talk to and no one who wants to listen to me.They just want to medicate me and insist I have delusional disorder...no I love him and miss him even after almost two years,,,
I don't understand why if he still loves me he would want me to stay away from him by the injunction unless could it be that he is still afraid that something bad might happen to me if he is with me...he has this way out belief that he is cursed and that all the people he loves will die including me but even when the judge and his lawyer thought he might be willing to have the injunction dismissed because I was moving to Israel he still didn't have it dismissed and he is the only one who can do it...

I am confused. Do u mean that if I stay away until the injunction is finished in four months he might begin to miss me? I just cry all day long missing him and my son. We were so in love and he developed a fear that I would die if I was with him so he stayed away and filed the I junction to keep me away. How long do these phases last? My son was blocked abd two othervpeople have also been blocked.For all I know he has blockef everone not just me. He also disconnected his phone. In court he said I kept calling him but I never did. Why would he think I was calling him all the time? When we were dating I only called him twice in the six months we dated but he was suspicious of everyone? Finally a few months before he filed the first injunction that was dismissed last year he started hearing entities telling him it was his job to kill people but that he deeply lived me. Two days later he told me to stay away from him. That was inn May of 2014. He has beeb gone ever since but in March when I tried to file an injunction on him hevtried to get my attention abd talk to me so the judge told him to leave me alone.. I am so hurt and confused abd feel so hopeless. Itvis takjnbg so long.
How do O get past the sadness? I feel like therr id something wrong with me that he no longer wants to see me. He doesn't treat the woman who workd for him this way? But if he did she would just quit. I dont know how to get over being so sad..nothing helps