Question: Hi, I am contemplating a return to a long-term relationship I ended because my partner was verbally abusive eg: (in response to me talking to myself), ''What kind of dickhead [that dickhead was me] walks around mumbling and expects their partner to hear?...fucken moron'. He has been seeing a psychologist, who said that this type of behaviour was an example of a Fragile Ego. His Psychologist also said he had Paranoid Personality. In addition, he would get irritated by things and say things like, 'You talk the fucken cunt out of things'. He has been told that reacting harshly to irritants is 'learned behaviour', as his father and his ex in-laws of 20 years, spoke to each other like this. In between this type of behaviour, he has a great personality, and is very generous in the way he expresses his love for me.
What I want to know is (1) what are the chances that these disrespectful behaviours will cease in him (2) what he needs to do for that to happen and (3) what I can do to reduce the chance of being on the receiving end of it? He is 40 years old. I had a father that was physically and emotionally abusive.

Thank you. He generally does not react like this to anybody in other aspects of his life, although before I met him and in the first couple of years, he got into physical fights with a man when they crossed paths incidentally, that had an affair with my partner's ex-wife. He also got physical with a man he came across randomly that had been disrespectful to his mother many years ago. This behaviour has not happened for a couple of years.

With regard to what has happened in our relationship, the following things stand out:
-When I fumbled my words and couldn't explain something I'd said in a conversation, he said 'You're being a dickhead'

-When I raised my voice while we were returning home from a night out, he said, 'You've fucked the night up'

-When he had been drinking, he accused me of lying, and I said sorry, even though I had not lied. I went into my room and he came in shortly after to see me on my phone. I wasn't receptive to his presence in light of him being angry with me shortly prior and he said, 'I might as well fuck a hole in the wall'

-When I clarified the nature of sexual activity with a previous partner, because he had seemed confused as to the facts, he replied, 'I know, you fucken idiot'

-I arranged to meet him somewhere and when I got there I called him to ascertain his exact location. When I couldn't make sense of his explanation and got anxious he said, 'Fuck you're hard work sometimes'. When we did meet, I was upset as I got in the car and he said, 'If you're going to be upset, don't bother coming'

-He encouraged me to do a Bachelor course. One night after starting it, I had to cancel plans to come to his house due to the amount of study I had to do. He sent me a text telling me I was a selfish parent to take on what I was, and he puts his own kids ahead of his career ambitions (although he had not long before been a Police Cadet, but had resigned from the Academy when he found out his ex-wife had had an affair that she had kept secret from him, 4 years earlier)

-Many times called me a Nutcase when I wailed with anxiety

-I would scream at him at times to stop, when he rambled on with comments like, 'If you don't like it, don't be with me'. One time when I did this, I put earphones in and I said as he kept rambling, 'I can't hear you, and it feels great'. He responded with, 'You can come across as a fucken pig sometimes'

-One time we arranged to meet for a rendezvous. I got there and got into his car and I picked up a negative energy from him, and also that if we were to interact, it was to be up to me to initiate it (he later acknowledged that his mood was 'off' and it was indeed going to be up to me to initiate any activity. Because I felt unnerved by his mood, I stretched and yawned and asked, 'Are you up for interaction?'. He got angry and that was the end of that idea. He later sent a message stating, 'Yawning, stretching, checking my mood, just fucked me off because nothing's ever fucken simple'.
Is this enough?
-Oops, I forgot...he does swear at his teenaged kids frequently. 'Fuck' and 'fucken' are used frequently, and readily when he is annoyed with their behaviour. For me who came from an abusive childhood, this triggers a fear response of anxiety when directed at my conduct, because it is attached to memories of it preceding being physically abused. I made him aware of this 2 years ago, and ended the relationship several times because I couldn't deal with it. Two years ago he acknowleged in writing that he did not realise that he was re-traumatising me with his behaviour, and he was sorry, and pledged to do things to change. He never stuck with anything, and the cyclical pattern of abuse continued.
should I take anything for my anxiety, or should the focus be on him managing his anger?

I'm glad you brought up the last point. Paranoia about me being impure in my intentions with other men, have riddled our relationship. He has told me that it wouldn't have mattered what my explanations for my behaviours were; he was convinced I was being deceitful, and would cheat on him. He reacted angrily to certain behaviours I displayed, and then later told me that because he doubted the purity of my motives, he held resentment, which then formed the basis for being abusive towards me in response to general infractions as I've listed above. An example is one time we went shopping and he was further down the same aisle as me, and a man that I had gone on one coffee date with before I met my partner, went past and said, 'Hi' to me. I was like a deer caught in headlights as I simultaneously saw my partner in the distance watching. It is not my natural behaviour to simply be rude and ignore that type of greeting, but my partner told me angrily later, that I should have told him to fuck off.
can you [please let me know if the above information changes the diagnosis?