Ok this is the first time I ve admitted it!! I have spent the best part of my life so far drinking myself into a state. I ve been hospitalised twice. I was in rehab for a week and a half recently and signed myself out against the wishes of the doctors who told me I would be back and guess what I m waiting on a bed to go back in there at the moment. I have spent the last week drinking myself into a mess in Spain. I m home now. I know this may sound silly but I convince myself that I m ok (embarrassed to admit anything else otherwise) Why is it people like me who have a family and a great bunch of friends and even my ex girlfriend who broke up with me recently over my drinking are so determined to help me and I push them all away!! Why am I so self destructive? anyone out there who are the same or knows someone who is like me? Thank you so much everyone for your kind words and insight. I am determined now to stop drinking. I hit rock bottom in Spain and I was all alone and something told me inside die or stop. So I m going to stop.